Laid off? You need a friend to keep up your spirits

When you've been laid off, people tell you lots of things you need: You need to network. You need to go back to school. You need to volunteer. You need to stay positive.

But the newly unemployed will tell you there's something else they need: a friend.

"It's essential," said psychiatrist James Margolis, director of the Sutter Counseling Center in Sacramento, Calif. "People are losing their jobs, their homes, their families, their self-esteem. They definitely don't want to lose their friends."

April Roscoe of Folsom, Calif., lost her job of three years as a corporate wellness manager at a 24-Hour Fitness. The news came quickly: a manager's cryptic morning e-mail, a conference call, and then it was over. She refers to that day in January as "D-Day."

"They told us over the phone. It was shocking. I've never been through that before," Roscoe said. "It's a blow to the ego. You don't take it personally, but it hurts."

Her friends have become a lifeline.

"I'm open and honest with my friends, and I try to surround myself with good attitude. It's easy to fall into that negativity," she said.

Roscoe and her friends combine coffee chats, movie nights and networking events to share notes and leads or just to blow off steam. She's also met new friends outside her circle and even has a mentor who helped direct her job search.

"Meeting new friends is huge. I've joined a lot of networking groups," Roscoe said. "Sometimes, it's 'How's your job hunting?' Other times, it's good friends getting together to take your mind off of it."

"This is a really good time for friends to help their friends keep work in perspective. Work is what you do, it's not who you are," said David Kaplan, chief professional officer at the Virginia-based American Counseling Association.

When Elizabeth Luttrell-Feder of Gold River, Calif., lost her job as a career counselor in January, she turned to her friend Debbie Martin to get her through the tough times.

The two have been friends for more than 20 years, first meeting as co-workers at Rancho Murieta Country Club in California. Martin, of Elk Grove, Calif., said she was eager to help, maybe too eager at first. It took her some time to realize what Luttrell-Feder needed.

"I felt I had to solve the problem, but people don't want that," Martin said. "You have to be a really good listener instead of fixing, so that they're validated in how they feel."

Martin knows a lot about how Luttrell-Feder feels. Although she was not laid off, Martin recently left her job and is seeking a new career after 13 years in real estate.

They are there for each other.

"It's important to not get isolated. Things like staff birthday lunches - you don't realize how important it is to you ... then it's gone," Luttrell-Feder said.