Here we go again: Mike's predictions for upcoming baseball season

Thank goodness the baseball season begins in April.

Maybe you noticed my March predictions were, er, let's just say not very good.

None of my Final Four picks made it to Detroit. Speaking of the Motor City, Michigan State made my disdain for the Big Ten look dumber than an auto executive. I raved about the Bulls and they lost their next two games to Toronto and Indiana, of all teams.

But it's a new month, I have new life and these baseball predictions will prove to be foolproof rather than foolish:

For starters, Cubs chairman Crane Kenney will hire a high priestess to exorcise the club's curses, while Ronnie Woo-Woo hires a hit man to exorcise Crane Kenney.

Barack Obama will be scheduled to sing "Take Me Out to the Ball Game" but be bumped for Jay Cutler.

Elton John and Billy Joel will play a Wrigley Field concert and neither will have another hit song for 100 years.

Kosuke Fukudome will swing, miss and corkscrew himself so deep into the ground that he'll come out in Japan.

The romance will die for presumptive owner Tom Ricketts when the first chunk of Wrigley Field concrete comes crashing down.

ComEd will be summoned to restore Derrek Lee's power.

A Milton Bradley video game will be rejected for being too violent.

The Cubs will position security guards at Kevin Gregg's locker just in case Carlos Marmol gets any crazy ideas.

"Crazy ideas?" Marmol will protest. "What do you think, this Carlos is Zambrano?"

Rich Harden, we will hardly know ye.

Nobody will be surprised if the Cubs finish 162-3 with the 3 losses coming in the - well, you get the drift.

The Cubs will retire the numbers of Kerry Wood and Mark DeRosa if Cleveland beats out the White Sox.

On the South Side, a Budweiser Clydesdale commercial will feature Jermaine Dye, Jim Thome and Paul Konerko.

Baseball will institute hockey's plus-minus stat to monitor how many runs Josh Fields' bat produces compared to how many his glove yields.

Bobby Jenks will record 50 saves - 40 games, eight damsels in distress and two bankrupt newspapers.

Jose Contreras' age and Bartolo Colon's weight will wage a race to infinity.

Kenny Williams will insist it isn't paranoia if everyone is out to get him.

Alexei Ramirez will lie down sideways and be mistaken for a mail slot.

Carlos Quentin's season will end after he beats himself over the head with his bat.

Chris Getz will be No. 2 in the batting order and No. 1 in the hearts of teenage girls.

Nationally, the federal government will offer an economic bailout to all major-leaguers whose annual salaries fall below $10 million.

President Obama will be outraged to learn that the money is being requested in $100 bills to be spent in strip clubs.

FEMA will have to be called in to assess the damage after Hurricane Manny tears apart the Dodgers' clubhouse.

A posse will be formed to search for CC Sabathia's missing punctuation.

Only Peter Gammons will believe that Madonna adopted Alex Rodriguez.

The Indians will win the World Series and 29 other teams will blame the World Baseball Classic.