'Most of what you learned at college, you will never really use'

In an effort to recoup even some of the college tuition payments that we have made the past four years, I would have been delighted to offer my daughter's college a cut-rate to be the speaker at her commencement.

Unfortunately, no one at Indiana University asked me.

So the speech was made by a Supreme Court justice. From Australia.

Apparently all the popular American college graduation speakers couldn't make it last Saturday, like Tom Brokaw, Colin Powell and John Mellencamp who gave the talk at Indiana a few years ago.

It was really too bad they didn't ask me, because I had the speech all ready to go. This is what I was going to tell the graduates:

Congratulations.

To your parents and grandparents.

For allowing you to be here today.

The past four to seven years have been unlike any other time you will have in your life. Trust me.

Unless of course you can't get a job and return for grad school. But even then you won't want to hang out with the freshmen.

Here's the truth: Most of what you have learned at college, you will never really use. If you try to quote Plato to the cops who are standing outside your door at 3 a.m. with a battering ram, it won't help.

So, here are the things they didn't teach you in college that I suggest you learn now:

Objects in your side view mirror really are closer than they appear.

Fortune cookies are no place to find life's lessons. Pick a faith, any faith, and practice it. You'll be a happier human.

Inheriting money or winning the lottery may seem great but there is nothing like making money the old fashioned way: working hard to earn it.

Even though GPS navigation is easy and usually accurate, learn how to read a paper map and tell time by the sun. Even if you never use it, such skills will impress the opposite sex.

Once in a while play games that don't require electricity or a TV screen. If you play Scrabble with your parents you might even get to use some of the words you learned in college.

"Theater hopping" is theft. If you want to see a second movie, go out and buy a second ticket.

They may be called "specialty" license plates these days. But if you spell out some cute version of your name, it is still a vanity plate.

The highway signs around prisons warn "Don't Pick up Hitchhikers." Don't pick them up anywhere else either.

If you want to get someone's attention, send them an overnight letter. If you want to get someone's respect, send them a handwritten letter.

When the Star Spangled Banner is played, take off your hat and put your right hand over your heart.

Your heart is located inside your left upper chest.

Don't believe anyone who tells you that college tuition for your kids will be $1 million a year. Yours was a lot of money, but not as much as the "experts" told us 22 years ago.

Learn how to change a tire before you have to.

Learn how to find a stud inside drywall.

Learn how to drive a nail.

Buy a good tool kit.

"Job" is a three letter word. "You" is a three letter word. The similarities end there.

Unless you have a child born on New Year's Eve, that holiday will never live up to the hype.

Things are never as bad as they seem or as good as they feel.

Before turning right on red, please check to see if someone is crossing the street. A 120-pound woman is never a good match for a 1-ton car.

The signs that say "Bridges ice before roadways" are there for a reason.

Learn how to apologize. It starts with a humble admission.

A personal visit is better than a phone call. A phone call is better than an e-mail. An e-mail is better than a Tweet. A Tweet is better than nothing.

Don't park in handicap spots. It's not nice.

Learn how to do your own taxes and file for unemployment. You'll need at least one of the two skills.

Unless you plan to live in a nudist colony, you can never be overdressed.

Learn to say these words and you will live happily ever after: "That is unnecessary."

Just because 30 percent of all government spending is unnecessary, don't think you can get away with paying 30 percent less taxes.

If a clerk, server or bank teller gives you back too much money, return it to them.

If you are lucky enough to travel to a foreign county, please at least learn the name of the local currency.

Keep reading, try to know a little bit about a lot of things, have some opinions and don't be afraid to defend them.

Have a baby someday. Be a mom or a dad.

When you take those birthing classes, remember they're a lot like college. They prepare you for a moment in time. The long haul is up to you.

• Chuck Goudie, whose column appears each Monday, is the chief investigative reporter at ABC 7 News in Chicago. The views in this column are his own and not those of WLS-TV. He can be reached by e-mail at chuckgoudie@gmail.com.