Lincicome: This is no way for the Bears to reach 100

There must be at least 100 reasons why the Bears could lose to the Rams on Sunday.

The Bears could lose if nobody up there likes Caleb Williams. If Montez Sweat cheers up. If Kyle Monangai wears elevator shoes. If Ryan Poles makes sense. If Maria Corina Machado gives her Nobel Peace Prize to Tremaine Edwards.

If Soldier Field is defrosted. The Art Institute of Chicago exhibits my self-portrait. The Rams’ Davante Adams has ever, even once, been inside a library. If Tyrique Stevenson is struck mute. If Bears’ linebacker Amen Ogbongbemiga runs out of vowels.

The surgeon general declares deep dish pizza ephedra free. The Bears defensive linemen wear handles on their shirts. If “Good, Better, Best,” is just an end zone slogan. Game officials love stupid pet tricks. Taylor Swift is a Bears fan.

Caleb Williams wears mascara as well as nail polish. If Jonah Jackson is unrecognized at Weight Watchers. The fourth quarter is pocket change. If Joe Thuney needs a bodyguard. Rams receiver Puka Nacua and Rams defensive tackle Poona Ford do not get each others mail.

Rome Odunze breaks a tackle. Donald Trump can find no way to connect pro football with Joe Biden. Game medics don’t earn their pay. Jaylon Johnson says, “Excuse me.” If anyone but tourists are out shopping at 4 p.m. Sunday.

Olamide Zaccheaus and Luther Burden wear helmet decals saying “Pick me.” Case Keenum has anything to do with the game. Tattoos are not to fashion what carbohydrates are to waistlines. If Rams coach Sean McVay gets so fed up he yells out at Matthew Stafford, “Stop dithering around and just run the damned play!” If the Rams secondary is the new Fearsome Foursome.

Bears long snapper Scott Daly is asked to star in the Netflix movie, “My Life Upside Down and Backward.” The Bears’ special teams are a good audience. The halftime show is entertaining. The Rams didn’t eat the same Italian beef that I did. Matt Eberflus has left no odor.

Ben Johnson forgets his game chart. George McCaskey shops for discount shoes. Someone is ghostwriting a biography of Theo Benedet. If Jeff Joniak whispers. Colston Loveland is not caught from behind.

Cole Kmet wears a tutu. Nobody says Mike Ditka would have loved these guys. Somebody says Mike Ditka would recognize those guys. Joe Tryon-Shoyinka and CJ Gardner-Johnson trade hyphens. Kevin Warren isn’t taking calls from Kenosha.

If sideline reporter Melissa Stark dresses for the game as Oprah Winfrey. Scalpers turn over their profits to charity. Tyson Bagent makes American Idol. Sean Hannity has an open mind. Chapstick is nonskid.

Cris Collinsworth hates deep dish pizza. Grady Jarrett has been secretly working out as a jockey. Kick returner Devin Duvernay signs an autograph. The Indy 500 are set free. Matthew Stafford forgets this is a playoff game.

Chicago dyes the river Rams blue instead of Bears orange. Cole Kmet catches a ball in bounds. D’Andre Swift catches a ball. The Sky wins when anyone is watching. An Uber driver has ever heard of silence.

DJ Moore opens his mouth without sounding reasonable. ORD is user friendly. The Las Vegas game plan is used. Dennis Allen forgets his semaphores. Declan Doyle gets a game ball.

Bears coach Ben Johnson rehearses his halftime speech. Ben Johnson has nothing to complain about. Ben Johnson blushes. Ben Johnson has nerves. Ben Johnson leaves his shirt on.

Rams coach Sean McVay really believes weather doesn’t matter. Chicago uses Celsius. Heaters are for punks. TV timeouts are waived. The wind is called Maria.

The Bears could lose if parking attendants can’t be bribed. If punter Tory Taylor is recognized on the street. Taylor is recognized at home. Packing an extra layer is scouting. Staley Da Bear gets his own TV series.

Cris Collinsworth is without an opinion. The press can find a door that opens both ways. No fans paint anything on themselves that cannot be seen without taking off a shirt. Instant replay decides anything. Midwest cows aren’t mad, they’re just cranky.

Michigan Avenue looks the same the morning after. If Durham Smythe plays. If Durham Smythe doesn’t play. The Bears lose if the two-minute warning is only a suggestion, not a wake-up call. If “the line to gain” needs repainting.

If reality has its way. If justice is really blind. If DJ Moore throws more than he catches. Williams throws more than he hands off. The Bears win the toss.

The Bears could lose if the White Sox are contagious. Mike Tirico does not refer to the Bears as “improbable.” Collinsworth does not proclaim the Bears are covered with “pixie dust.” Bears fans can’t make a fifth last four quarters. If anybody counted these.

Otherwise, the Bears win 28-24.