Patient advocate: Give yourself the gift of self-compassion

Remember “tough love”? It was all the rage in the ‘80s and legitimized unkind or even cruel behaviors in pursuit of persuading a loved one to change their behavior.

“Positive narratives of tough love not only coursed through communities, but also became a staple for television shows for decades,” wrote Peg Streep in Psychology Today, “despite the fact that there is no evidence — and never has been — that what is called tough love works in any context, including addiction.”

So there.

Tough love doesn’t work on ourselves either. It’s been shown that negative self-talk, beating ourselves up when we don’t meet our own expectations, and ruminating over our perceived failures don’t do anything to improve our state of mind. In fact, it’s damaging — and if you’ve ever been assessed for depression, those are some of the behaviors that might be identified.

There’s a better way. This holiday season, give yourself the gift of self-compassion.

It’s not just an idea. It’s a way of living.

There’s even an institute for its study and implementation, founded by Kristin Neff, an associate professor of educational psychology at the University of Texas at Austin. A pioneer in the field of self-compassion research, she conducted the first empirical studies on self-compassion more than 20 years ago and now runs the Self-Compassion Institute (self-compassion.org).

What is self-compassion?

Neff explains that self-compassion is showing yourself the same care and consideration you would show to a friend who is struggling or feeling bad about themselves.

“It means being supportive when you’re facing a life challenge, feel inadequate or make a mistake,” she writes. “Instead of just ignoring your pain with a ‘stiff upper lip’ mentality or getting carried away by your negative thoughts and emotions, you stop to tell yourself: ‘This is really difficult right now, how can I comfort and care for myself in this moment?’”

She points out that when we berate ourselves for mistakes or setbacks, we lose confidence and often give up. “By contrast, self-compassion provides the emotional safety we need to keep trying, even when things don’t go as planned,” she explains. “Most importantly, it allows us to learn and grow from our mistakes rather than getting derailed by shame and anxiety.”

Neff has created a little industry featuring books, workshops, coaching and videos that you can pay for, but there are also many free resources like guided practices and self-compassion exercises. A good place to start might be the self-evaluation, which asks how often…

• I'm disapproving and judgmental about my own flaws and inadequacies.

• I try to be loving towards myself when I'm feeling emotional pain.

• I'm intolerant and impatient towards those aspects of my personality I don't like.

Learning to practice self-compassion

Can we teach ourselves to become self-compassionate? Yes, but it takes work, and we may be trying to undo decades of behavior that stems from how we were raised, the people we’ve been exposed to, and the way we’re used to talking to ourselves.

Here are a few things you can try:

• Turn it around: Let’s say you make a mistake at work or mess up a project. Rather than beating yourself up (“I’m such an idiot!”), imagine a friend in the same situation. Would you tell them they’re an idiot? Probably not. You’d listen to them, offer a shoulder and discuss what to do differently the next time.

• Put it in perspective: Remind yourself that struggle is a part of the human experience. You can say: “I'm not alone in feeling this way,” or “We all struggle sometimes.”

• Soothe yourself: Find a mantra that works for you: “I will accept myself as I am,” for example. You can also place your hand over your heart or give yourself a hug.

• Challenge negative thoughts: Write down what you’re thinking or feeling, read it over and then replace those negative thoughts with kindness and compassion.

I wish all of you a peaceful — and self-compassionate — holiday season!

• Teri (Dreher) Frykenberg, R.N., a registered nurse and board-certified patient advocate, is the founder of www.NurseAdvocateEntrepreneur.com, which trains medical professionals to become successful private patient advocates. She is the author of “How to Be a Healthcare Advocate for Yourself & Your Loved Ones” and her new book, “Advocating Well: Strategies for Finding Strength and Understanding in Health Care,” available at Amazon.com. Contact her at Teri@NurseAdvocateEntrepreneur.com to set up a free phone consultation.