To the moon, Alice!

“To the moon, Alice!”

That was how fictional television character Ralph Kramden used to threaten his wife, Alice, on the old “Honeymooners” TV show.

He never actually hit her. That wouldn't have been funny, not if he hit her really hard, anyway. Threatening to hit her was hilarious, however.

You know what they say, different times, different ways of terrorizing your wife. Nowadays, you take her cellphone away so she can't call the police. Technological progress is everywhere.

And it's not just the ghost of poor Alice. Pretty soon, we may all be going to the moon.

NASA, which increasingly stands for “Not A Serious Agency,” recently announced that the United States may well build a nuclear reactor on the moon.

NASA's had its funding cut, so look for the first seven or eight attempts to fail with huge explosions and much death. My advice is to begin the effort using women, members of racial and ethnic minorities, and drag queens. This way, when something goes wrong, you can blame the “DEI hires.”

So, that's what we're gonna start with? A nuclear reactor? Not a cozy suburb, a library, a Target or even a Chipotle.

I guess the idea is that once you get the reactor built, you can open a Wendy's and build some tiny houses for America's moon pioneers.

Who are gonna be white, and probably wealthy, except for convicts shipped up there to do the landscaping.

Better scrap the tiny houses and build some mansions. “Moon-a-Lago” has a nice sound.

This could be our last, best chance at rebuilding America in an airless, sterile environment.

Once the reactor is up and dangerously humming, ship some rich guys in their 40s up there, along with some 14-year-old wife prospects. It's OK. There is no age of consent on the moon. There's also no minimum wage, no unions and no business regulations. It's a sterile paradise.

Build a golf course. You can use those big craters for sand traps. There's no gravity, so even if you're 80 and out of shape, you're gonna drive the ball maybe six miles. That'll send you running home to your teenage wife like a bull elephant. More white kids!

The earth's never really been livable in a social sense, and it's getting much worse. You can never get the degree of control you need. You got one whole continent of Black people, people with names like “Ernesto” can just walk into your country and women won't just shut up like they used to.

What you want is a place where you can start from scratch, do things right. You definitely want a place that isn't on a bus line. If you can take a bus from downtown Cleveland to the moon, the moon's gonna be a mess in a couple months. Restricting access has always been the key to quality living, high real estate values and good schools.

Ideally, the moon will become the “good neighborhood,” and the earth will be a combination ghetto/factory/town/farm.

It's gonna be expensive to build, though. The rich people launched a few rockets with their own money, but they blew up, or they didn't really get that high up, and none of them made it to the moon. They wanna go any further with this “make our own world” project, they're gonna need your money.

I'm old enough to remember when they told us kids the moon was made of green cheese, back before it was made of green money.

© 2025, Creators