Carolyn Hax: Bride feels slighted as family rallies around sister in crisis
Q: I have five children, two daughters. “Lynn” is 40, and “Emma” is 29. Lynn got married 15 years ago, and since she was the first bride of the younger generation, a big fuss was made over her wedding by me, my two sisters and especially my mother.
Emma is getting married next month, but since she is the fifth and last bride in our family, it’s not as big a deal. That’s the way it was in the previous generation, too, because this happened to my sister, the sixth bride that time around.
Complicating matters is the fact that Lynn is a stay-at-home mom of four whose husband recently left her for another woman. She is in a tailspin and requiring a lot of support. The whole family of women are pulling together for her, cooking, cleaning, taking turns sleeping at her house, etc. Except for my mom, we all have full-time jobs, which two of us didn’t have 15 years ago.
All that leaves us with little time or energy to focus on Emma’s wedding, which I thought she would understand. When she asked when we would all be making the usual desserts and decorations for the reception, no one felt they could commit.
Emma was hurt and pointed out what everyone did for Lynn, but we can’t even “do the minimum” for her. I was blindsided by her anger. I’m sorry we did more for her sister and cousins, but Lynn has the greater need right now.
I told Emma her father and I are paying for everything just like we did for her sister, and she could ask her friends to help.
Am I/are we being unfair to Emma?
— Blindsided
A: Wicked. As they say we New Englanders say.
It’s not that the family women need to match prior efforts cupcake-for-cupcake. Life happens.
But how about a little compassion? Or just giving a fig.
“I’m so sorry. You got totally pushed aside by Lynn’s mess, and that was not fair to you.”
Instead she got: “Hello, can’t you see we’re busy with the one we also gave all the cupcakes? Go ask your friends. And hey, ‘You’re welcome!’ for the cash.”
Heck of a message for a bride to get from Mom.
Sorry — FIFTH bride.
That birth-order info passes the explanation test, but, excuse? Keep walkin’.
Call this the lashings out of a fourth-daughter columnist. But, whoo, Emma and I both need spa time after “it’s not as big a deal.”
You, clearly not a fifth or sixth bride or fourth daughter yourself, seem to have picked up a family indifference to the last of bulk lives. But Emma apparently developed immunity and actually cares. The life being hers, perhaps?
(Deep cleansing breath.)
I know Lynn’s agony means you’re writing from the business end of an emotional wringer; I do understand. I could do a manual override and put this through my de-exasperation filter.
But, wow, how hurt and alone Emma must feel. Maybe leaving my filter off can help you grasp that.
Even a happy bride of 29 who aches for her sister can still have stuff of her own and crave some of that glorious female support everyone else in your family gets to enjoy. Big fuss is your support language, yes?
Plus: Nothing like a sister’s traumatic marital implosion just as you’re writing your own vows to rattle the nerves. Emma has probably kept a lot inside to this point.
So envelop your most precious afterthought in love, please. Somehow. If only with, “I’m so sorry.”
* Careful with “last bride” in a letter where a first marriage kabooms.
• Email Carolyn at tellme@washpost.com, or chat with her online at 11 a.m. Central time each Friday at washingtonpost.com.
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