Carolyn Hax: Mom crowds pregnant daughter with her entitlement
Q: I am in my third trimester with twins, and they will be the first grandchildren on both sides. Needless to say, our mothers are foaming at the mouth to meet these kiddos.
They both live halfway across the country, so dropping by unannounced is not a worry of ours. My mother-in-law is the one who tends to cross boundaries, but as the due date looms, my own mother is the one already driving me nuts. It’s been a real disappointment, as she is typically the more chill of the two.
I am also very direct about boundaries with my parents. I have not changed on that front, but it feels like my mom doesn’t take me seriously now — or her sense of entitlement around these babies trumps my boundaries.
For example: She said, “Well, you’ll want your mom with you in the delivery room!” and I said, “No, I won’t. It will just be [spouse] and me.” Then she said, “Well, you’ll definitely want your mom to be the first to come in and meet the babies!” No, we won’t be having any visitors at the hospital.
Days later, she joked that she already had a hotel booked right by the hospital for the weeks around the due date. She has also joked about camping out in our front yard ahead of our baby shower (after I said we will not be hosting anyone overnight).
What gives? I don’t know how to be any more direct or clear with my boundaries, and I’m tired of her continuing to joke around them.
— Expecting
A: I don’t think you need to be any more direct or clear.
Because her jokes aren’t telling you she doesn’t understand. What she’s saying-not-saying, I think, is that she understands all too well.
She just doesn’t understand emotionally. Why you are doing this, what it means, whether you’ll let her know your kids — before the other grandma! She’s saying she’s hurt and confused and unsure how to say that out loud.
That’s a guess. But if you haven’t told her what you look forward to sharing with her — only where she’s not welcome, no mention of her pushy counterpart — then it’s normal for her anxiety to fill in the blanks. Even the chill mom.
Think of boundaries as a great idea with a terrible publicist. Stating your limits means people you value have your “key” and — ostensibly — access to happier, more productive, less stressful interactions with you. Good ones prevent estrangements.
Yet some people hear “boundaries” as “Go away.”
To use the hospital example: You two want to focus on your twins’ birth, undistracted by what visitor is where, when or “first,” ugh. (A good idea, by the way. Not that my opinion applies.) This allows you to call loved ones in when you are ready vs. having to kick visitors out when your agita says they’re too much.
A preemptive, lower-conflict approach really is inclusive; “Visit well,” it says, not “Go away.” It just may feel off-putting from the outside, especially to the unaccustomed — like your mother, I’m guessing.
Try drawing her out. “So many jokes, Mom, so unlike you. What’s up?” If she can name her fear, then you can help tame it.
You can talk, tweak boundaries — or just tell her what they permit as well as what they don’t. “We’re keeping overwhelm away, not you personally. We’ll see you [on whatever our terms are].” Just don’t negotiate.
Not that I’d advise differently with a singleton, but multiple births tend to be too medical for all this go-fetch-Grandma stuff anyway.
Congrats, and good luck.
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