Carolyn Hax: Gay man avoids homophobic in-law, but at what cost?

Q: I am a gay man, and my husband and I married five years ago. My family was happy, and everyone attended except my sister’s husband.

Neither he nor my sister RSVP’d, and it wasn’t until I called her a week before the wedding that I learned he wasn’t attending for religious reasons and she was feeling torn between him and me. In tears, she asked me how I reconcile my marriage with the Bible. I felt both insulted and as if I needed to justify my existence.

I explained to her how I felt: that if we humans have room to love each other as we are, then God certainly does, too. That helped her, and she attended. Only later did I learn he made her feel like she had done something wrong by attending. We understand that some people don’t agree with gay marriage, but that upset us, and that he did not even acknowledge the invitation or have a conversation with us.

Family get-togethers were awkward for about a year after that, until he pulled me aside to say my getting married to a man was the cause of the “whole problem.” He also said he felt it would have dirtied him to attend the wedding.

I took a few weeks, then told my sister I wanted to continue my relationship with her and her children but no longer wanted to be around her husband. She completely understood and agreed.

For a couple of years now, I have not attended family events where he is present. I meet separately with my sister and her children to celebrate birthdays and holidays. It has worked well for me, and no one has complained.

However, my nephew’s graduation party, at my sister’s house, has me feeling torn on whether to make an exception.

If it were at a neutral ground, I might go, I was thinking. But how far do I take it? What if my nephew gets married in his parents’ backyard someday? Do I skip that, too? I fear staying away might hurt him or make an event about me.

At some point, I’m really missing out. In a way, I already am. I truly grieved family events as I knew them. But I also learned I no longer want to do things that make me feel lousy to make other people feel good.

I’d appreciate your advice on how to draw the line for future family events.

— M.

A: Bigotry is what dirties a person, not love.

I am sorry your brother-in-law brought the stain of his dehumanizing contempt to your family life. And your sister let it set in.

Your statement of principle — “I no longer do things that make me feel lousy to make other people feel good” — is a useful corrective to having played nice through persistent mistreatment. Good for you.

But the graduation party exposed the limits of your brother-in-law boycott. For one, you’re the one missing out, not the bigot. And it lowers your bigotry exposure, as designed — but it’s not expansive enough to prioritize love when you want to.

The second part, at least, is fixable — you made the strict rule, so you can remake it with room for exceptions.

Plus, if you feel lousy about missing milestones, and if your absence lets your brother-in-law feel good, then observing your rule would have turned its whole purpose on its head.

So consider a rule update: Will you feel lousy if you miss [event]?

Then flip it to the proactive side: Will it be good for you if you go?

Then RSVP accordingly.

• Email Carolyn at tellme@washpost.com, or chat with her online at 11 a.m. Central time each Friday at washingtonpost.com.

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