Carolyn Hax: Co-worker exploits friends’ generosity to fund facelift

Q: I have a friend who claims she can’t do activities because she works in a middle-income profession and is on a tight budget. We are both in our 50s, are in the same profession and make about the same. When she gets asked out to do simple activities, she says she can’t afford it and asks that other people pay for her.

When I treat her to dinner or an activity, she never reciprocates and doesn’t even tip vendors. She accepts gifts of money, plane tickets, sporting gear, clothes, etc., from interested suitors. When she travels to meet family, they have to pay all her expenses.

To my surprise, she recently announced she will be out for several weeks because she is having major plastic surgery — a full facelift. She said she is paying for it with money she has saved. She is very attractive, and this decision is entirely cosmetic. Should I stop paying for this “poor” friend?

— Anonymous

A: If you don’t want to finance her face work, then yes, stop paying her leisure expenses.

One wee factual edit: You say you are “in the same profession and make about the same.” Not quite. Your friend has a side hustle as a paid companion and makes a fair bit.

Like I said, if you don’t want to patronize her business — now that you know it is one — then, amen, invest in your own future instead. “I’m sorry I can’t cover you; I’ve neglected my own savings lately. Hope you can join us next time.”

Q: I have three weeks off between jobs — for the first time in 30 years — and was going to get so much done. Instead, it’s more than half over and I’m sitting in the backyard listening to birds and reading listicles. I did take a bucket-list international trip and adopt a wonderful new dog, but what about my closets? Please help.

— What Is Wrong With Me

A: Nothing is wrong with you! Except that you think something is wrong with you.

Even feeling wrong about this is more cultural than personal, presumably, so go ahead and declare yourself wrong-free on that count as well.

Or ruminate on it in the backyard till birdsong drowns out any voice that tries to tell you only “productive” time has value.

You have value for existing — not solely for what you contribute. We can agree on that, yes? I hope? Inherent value of life?

By extension, you don’t have to justify time you set aside simply to exist.

You need it, too. Mental rest. It’s hard to see how you rally to organize closets when you’re three decades’ worth of tired. (Plus, jet-lagged and new-dogged.)

Not to get the circle of guilt turning, but I suspect you have this exactly backward and the closets are an issue because you *haven’t* lolled around. Not nearly enough. Clutter of schedule, then of mind, then of closet.

I mean it about not guilting you, because any credible thoughts I have on this topic aren’t from research, though it does back me up. Instead, it’s from experience, when I capped off a couple of decades of task overwhelm with my first-ever two-week, do-nothing vacation, and spent its first 10 days in a liminal space between indifference and stupefaction. I may have streamed a show.

A return to clarity and energy followed. Who knew.

If you haven’t given yourself permission to shut down in three decades — or possibly ever — then take all three weeks. (And schedule actual rest thereafter.)

Closets will wait. Something else I can speak to firsthand.

• Email Carolyn at tellme@washpost.com, or chat with her online at 11 a.m. Central time each Friday at washingtonpost.com.

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