Carolyn Hax: Adult daughter poses challenge for budding relationship

Q: I am seeing someone. It’s been three months, but it’s been intense and close and very loving. He wants me to meet his kids, and to meet mine.

His 25-year-old daughter is very possessive of him and historically not welcoming to his partners. I get it. Divorce can make kids insecure.

However, she is also an adult, and I have preemptive nerves and irritation — like I have to prove to her I am a good and worthy person, and I’m annoyed at the notion of being judged and examined.

Partner says she’s not in charge of our relationship and he’s not looking for her approval but hopes we eventually get along. But of course he cares about what she thinks and how I feel. He’s trying to make everyone happy, and I don’t want this to end up being stressful and a source of pain for my partner if she stays hostile and I stay annoyed by it.

With all this anxiety on all sides, what do you say? How much do you try — and till when? When is it fair to ask someone to stand up for how you’re treated, if it comes to that?

My fears are completely controlling me, and I don’t know what to say to myself to un-unravel.

— Anxious

A: Whoa, whoa.

“It’s been three months.”

Everything on the door of my fridge is older than your relationship. (Pickles and ketchup. Don’t judge.)

Your anxiety is your three-month anniversary gift to yourself. It is watching over you and begging you to *slow down.* To take long walks on the beach and stuff, if only metaphorically. And to take some of those walks alone with your thoughts.

It is not the worst thing for the two of you to savor this intensity for its own sake. I’d argue it’s a pretty great time and feeling to make last as long as possible. There is certainly no rush to apply it toward The Next Phase — but valid risk in pushing there before you’re ready. Stirring up anxiety is just one of them.

Rushing can also lead people to commit before they grasp how mismatched they are, sometimes in subtle ways. Worse, it’s a known manipulation tactic by potential abusers. (Read about love bombing at wapo.st/4560tsJ.)

If he is rushing you, then name it and nope it. “Thanks, but I’m not ready for meeting kids — I feel rushed. Getting to know you is wonderful, and it’s right where I want to be.” You’ll learn two essential things about yourself here.

The first is whether you have the strength to advocate for your own needs against the momentum of strong attraction. I know how this will sound — but if you’re not strong enough to stop an emotional train, then the only self-loving choice is not to be on one at all until you’ve done the work to build that strength.

The second thing you’ll learn is whether your anxiety recedes once you stand up for your own needs under pressure. I suspect it will.

Self-advocacy also gives essential insight into a partner: willingness to listen. You’ll learn if he is respectful enough to be patient, or so self-interested that he keeps pressing to have his own needs met, just now knowingly at your expense.

You speak a lot of truth about the historically unwelcoming daughter. But she’s not your business yet — and if she ever is, then prove nothing. Be yourself. Your remit is to be an emotionally healthy person, and here that includes conducting an emotionally healthy relationship with her dad. Nothing else flies without that.

• Email Carolyn at tellme@washpost.com, or chat with her online at 11 a.m. Central time each Friday at washingtonpost.com.

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