Carolyn Hax: Husband stunned by wife’s raunchy ‘fiction’ novel

Q: My wife, “Lisa,” and I have been happily married for 30 years, raised three great children and look forward to a very comfortable retirement. I couldn’t have asked for a better wife and partner.

Over the years, besides her day job, Lisa has made many forays into creative writing and has been pretty successful. She’s published articles and several short stories.

Her blog is popular, so she decided to attempt the novel she’s always talked about. She told me I could read it anytime, and now that it’s in the hands of her agent, I did. The novel is about a “wild child” of the late 1980s, and I immediately knew Lisa had based it loosely upon herself. It is very entertaining but quite raunchy, so I mentioned that she must have embellished quite a lot — but she said no, she left a lot out.

I am stunned. Lisa told me when we were dating that she had a “misspent youth,” and I knew she had a lot more partners than I did, but I never imagined anything like this.

I have two problems now: First, her past is bothering me, and I know that’s stupid after all these years. Second, she’s completely unconcerned that our friends, relatives and, worst of all, our kids might figure out this isn’t exactly a work of fiction.

How am I to deal with this without coming right out and forbidding her to publish this nonsense?

— Stunned

A: Whoa. I was nodding along with you there — it’ll be “gently amused sympathy” in my fictionalized memoir — till “forbidding” and “nonsense.” Then you lost me faster than a wild child’s impulse control.

The two most efficient ways to detonate your snow-globe marriage are to control your beloved wife and talk down to her.

So, no to those offensive blunt instruments. Plus, why use them when there are simple, obvious, low-drama options that target your specific concerns respectfully?

For your fear of everyone’s discovery, simply talk to your wife again. Ask whether she ever intends to reveal publicly what she told you. A calm ask, not an aggressive one. She may have no intention of deviating from the line that her book is fiction, even if, say, her kid asks her point-blank.

If she hadn’t thought this far, then suggest she ask authors who’ve been there? A calm suggestion, not an aggressive one.

If she responds that she has nothing to be ashamed of or hide — then, ideally, you would agree that’s both a fair point and her prerogative. But if you don’t, then better to say, “I need time to clear my mind” — calmly — than to try aggressively to change hers.

You may have noted a theme.

Pushing your distress onto her will only make things worse. I say this even though I don’t agree it’s “stupid” for you to feel bothered. I mean, it’s not smart or useful, let’s not get carried away — but not everyone is ready to read their spouse’s youthful sex diaries, so I think you can let yourself feel normal for flinching. Then forgive yourself.

THEN decide the bad feelings are too stupid to risk dwelling on at the expense of everything you’ve built. Because, remember, your wife’s entire past — not just the parts you’re OK with — made her into the person you love and trust.

So discuss your wife’s plans with the book, yes. But it’s not her job to make you feel better about her life before she met you. A few solo therapy sessions might help you — since I assume you won’t run this by friends.

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