Carolyn Hax: Retired parent blamed for son’s spiraling marriage, finances

Q: I’m 73, retired and have a $30,000 annual income. My credit score is in the 800s because I live within my means.

I learned today that my 43-year-old son’s marriage is collapsing because I stated I cannot buy a four-bedroom house with the proceeds from my house, which has only three bedrooms. My daughter-in-law signed a contract to work here next school year after resigning her out-of-state contract. Their credit scores are below what they need to rent a decent place here.

It’s all my fault because she thought my credit score was all they needed. They came on a recent Friday and left Saturday because I don’t have my house ready to sell.

I don’t know how I got in this mess. What do I do now?

— All My Fault

A: Of course it’s not your fault.

You know this already, right? You are merely quoting your daughter-in-law, or your son?

Their marriage is collapsing because of the finger-pointing and chaos and rash decision-making … or the finger-pointing and chaos and rash decision-making are by-products of a marriage in end-stage collapse. Both are possible, certainly, but neither is about you and your house.

It’s a difficult thing to advise, but: What you do in situations like this is step back just far enough to ensure you don’t get sucked into their whirlwind.

Maybe that will clarify for them that they are the ones responsible for their own lives. But that’s not why you step back — just a possible bonus.

What they want is for you to solve their housing and credit and whatever-else problems for them, sure. I understand that, and even feel for them. Their stress levels must be cosmic.

But what they *need* is for you to remain securely housed and within your means. That is where you can do the most good.

Because if you trash your credit or sell your home and overleverage yourself with the proceeds, then none of you have safety in a nowhere-else-to-go emergency. That’s why you hold firm.

I hope by publication time they’ve owned their childishness for lashing out and blaming, or at least stopped doing both.

But if they’re still pressuring you, then be clear they need plans that aren’t you (except as temporary shelter of absolute last resort). Then don’t waver. The National Foundation for Credit Counseling (nfcc.org) can help them. Because, ultimately, your security is theirs, too, and can’t be up for grabs.

Q: I have a sister-in-law, “Nell,” who I get along with OK, but who tends to alienate people with her strong opinions.

We are planning a trip in the next year or so with a couple who are very good friends. They met Nell once and were immediately turned off by her strong personality — not a problem since they do not live nearby.

When I casually mentioned this trip to others within earshot of Nell, Nell piped in that she and my brother want to be included.

I know our friends would rather back out than spend two weeks with someone they do not like, and this would be hard on us as well. My husband puts up with Nell, but too much is not a good thing.

How do I proceed with our travel plans without including Nell and my brother? Nell has no problem making a stink when she feels excluded. I also don’t want a family rift. Help.

— Anonymous

A: Wow. She gets all this power just by threatening a stink?

“Sorry, Nell, this trip is for us to see old friends. We’ll make plans another time.” Let her reek.

• Email Carolyn at tellme@washpost.com, or chat with her online at 11 a.m. Central time each Friday at washingtonpost.com.

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