Carolyn Hax: How to set boundaries with neighbor kids who cause chaos
Q: My little boys, 6 and 3, love playing with two neighbor boys from two different families, ages 8 and 9. These boys are much taller and more athletic and (predictably) have more mature interests. These boys also both have older sibs.
I love that they have neighborhood friends, but I don’t know how to navigate the older boys’ shenanigans — *regularly* breaking things through misuse and leaving messes in our yard and on our porch, introducing the boys to bad words and mature concepts, etc.
They are generally good kids, but one in particular can be prone to arguing with me or trying to haggle when I set boundaries, and my kids aren’t old or bold enough to reiterate house rules if I’m not constantly supervising.
Do I need to bring this up with their parents, or just deal with the kids? If it’s the parents, then how without sounding overly critical or accusatory? When they come to our yard, it’s way harder for me than just having my own young kids!
— Stressed Neighbor Mom
A: I’m stressed just thinking about this, on your behalf but even more so on your kids’.
The neighborhood kid mob is a great thing, truly — and worth the extra effort to find if you’re able, as fewer U.S. households have kids in them. But it’s not a uniformly 100% set-it-and-forget-it benevolent influence in the form of a yard full of friends.
This situation needs a parent’s eyes and limits ON IT. I tend not to get much mom agita, but a 3-year-old who’s mixing it up with much older kids who are pushing his parent around and who have older siblings themselves, teaching them older-kid things, gives me agita of the losing sleep kind.
When you can’t be fully present to hold your lines, send the neighbor kids home. Send kids home when they “haggle,” too — unless the prospect of leaving changes their view of your rules.
It won’t always be like this, and constant mama-bear supervision ever after isn’t possible or desirable, of course. You (almost) said yourself when it’ll be safe to ease off: when your kids are old or bold enough to stick up for themselves.
And stick up for your rules, sure, but I’m less worried about them. They’re ultimately about the kids’ safety and well-being anyway.
Your boys are watching you, so this is a chance to show them how to command respect.
The neighbor boys are watching you, too. If they see a pushover — and if you don’t feel confident enough in your “no” to send 8- and 9-year-olds home or to cleanup duty when needed — then broken things are the least of your worries, and you can’t count on their parents to be the cavalry.
That’s the agita, I’m sorry. [Deep breaths.]
Here’s the thing. It all hinges on your confidence: that you’re a good judge of when a benign kid circus turns harmful; that you step in at the right time with the right authority; that the boys, including your own, will listen to you.
These are also about your responsibilities, not the other parents’ — so YOU be old and bold enough to do what you think is right. Believing in it is more important than sticking the landing.
To that end, I do suggest talking to the other parents — but as a teammate, not critic: “This is what I do when [kid] pushes back on our rules. In case you want to compare notes. By the way, my boys love all the extra big brothers.”
Helpful mantra for striking a non-accusatory tone with other parents: “My kids pull stuff, too.”
• Email Carolyn at tellme@washpost.com, or chat with her online at 11 a.m. Central time each Friday at washingtonpost.com.
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