Carolyn Hax: Asking son’s partner to remove facial piercings could backfire

Q: My 24-year-old son’s partner wears facial piercings that I find extremely unattractive, called “angel bites.” We have an upcoming family wedding in a fancy community. Can I discreetly ask my son if his partner could remove the piercings for the wedding?

— Concerned Wedding Attendee

A: “Can” you ask? Always. But if “discreetly” is another way of saying “without any consequences,” then, no.

So if you ask, then be prepared for your son to hear it as, “I don’t think you’re capable of dressing yourselves without my help” or, worse, “You chose a partner unfit for polite society.” Your notion of it, at least.

He may interpret that your priorities lie with performing for others socially. At the expense of: minding your business, your faith in him, embracing and accepting him and his partner beyond the superficial, and having their backs if the “fancy community” isn’t welcoming to them.

He may shrug, too, and say “sure.” Or the partner may have planned to remove the jewelry all along and your speaking up will squander goodwill for no good reason.

Every day, through our choices, we show who we are — as do your son and his partner. The rules for tests haven’t changed since we signed in to the high school gym: Do your best and keep your eyes on your own work.

Maybe it will help to think of this as an opportunity. You can choose to be someone who includes, or someone who marginalizes.

That is always your call.

Q: I’ve been friends with a guy for the last 20 years. We met through work, live in different states and kept in touch by text, and when he was in town, he would take me out to dinner — about once every three to four years. He was married, and we never crossed the line — never even hugged or anything else. But he always expressed that if he were single, then he would want to date me.

Now he’s single — and does not want to date me. What am I missing here?

— Is It Just Me?

A: That some people are full of it?

Who knows. Maybe he was a bored, married and ginned up a little leap-year intrigue. Maybe he genuinely liked you all this time — at least until “something suddenly came up” (I learned that at Brady Bunch U).

But here’s the thing, regardless. To say something like that once to an old friend in an unguarded moment and then never again … hmkay. It’s hardly ideal married behavior, but the heart is a wild and lonely place.

To say it over and over for two decades while married, and all the while not budging a millimeter to change anything about anything is, at best, proof of irredeemable smarm.

It’s stoking attention for attention’s sake. Keeping embers aglow for dreary road trips and possibilities TBD.

Don’t you think?

I think. It explains, at least, why his story changed so abruptly now that he’s single.

It’s all just a guess, of course. But I’m bothering to type it out because it seems like one of those helpful general things to keep in mind:

Multiple offers without follow-up are empty ones.

Multiple “I’d date you” offers from married people are icky.

Multiple empty, icky offers suggest your alarm sensors might need adjusting.

Treat yourself to people who treat people well. Not just you, but also the ones they profess to love.

• Email Carolyn at tellme@washpost.com, or chat with her online at 11 a.m. Central time each Friday at washingtonpost.com.

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