Carolyn Hax: Ex-wife silenced by divorce now has plenty to say
Q: My partner/husband of 25 years asked for a divorce five years ago. We were having problems and had tried couples counseling, etc. But the conversation left me speechless and unable to respond. In the moment, I decided to shut down and announced that I would move out by the end of the month, which I did.
It’s now five years later, and I’ve had time and therapy to consider everything that happened. I’ve come to realize that I’m still incredibly angry, mostly at myself, for not standing up for myself or for the relationship. I fantasize about reaching out to him and telling him exactly how much he hurt me, emotionally and financially.
I told him to never contact me again, and he has abided by that request. And I realize my anger is mine to own and deal with. But is there a way to have my say and then close the door on this part of my life?
I am with a new partner who is wonderful, and I am fortunate this worked out for the best for me. But I want to get rid of this anger.
— Angry
A: I have a question for you first: Why couldn’t you then, and why won’t you now, TALK to your ex-husband?
You were “speechless and unable to respond.” So you “shut down.” You ended the marriage, in fact, rather than try to say your piece. And for good measure, you told him, “Never contact me again.” Now, five years later, you want to “have my say” … and “close the door.” You throw stiff-arms like an NFL running back.
That can be great for protecting yourself in the moment. Necessary. But you’re out! So this urge to — essentially — hit your ex and run away seems incongruous. Either you’re upset with yourself, which doesn’t involve your ex, or you’re upset with him, which involves INTERACTING with him.
I don’t say any of this to be critical. I have been in the position myself of having unresolved hurt, and mentally phrasing and rephrasing all the things I wish I’d said — it’s awful. I’m sympathetic.
But I am trying to follow your logic, and I don’t see it.
Because a chance to have your say won’t release you, will it? Or else you already would have found a way to do it — in counseling back then, or in divorce negotiations, or over coffee sometime afterward, even years later. You wouldn’t keep protectively throwing your arm out there.
Maybe the thing that tripped you up with your ex, for whatever reason, was that you COULDN’T say what you felt. Couldn’t form the thoughts or couldn’t form the words or couldn’t find the moment or never got a fair chance or got there and froze. Or some combination. No sense of control. There are a lot of ways for a couple to be a poor fit, even with all the opportunities and the best of intentions.
If this is what happened with you and your ex, then maybe anger-downloading isn’t the answer so much as forgiving is — yourself especially for freezing up where you saw yourself speaking up. And maybe more counseling if you’re freezing again with your new partner.
I also suggest, for your own peace of mind, that you put your unexpressed anger in writing. Drafting and refining a letter to your ex that you never send can clarify a lot about what you need to say to whom and why. It’s acting vs. reacting. From there, you can certainly revisit whether, when and how your say gets said.
• Email Carolyn at tellme@washpost.com, or chat with her online at 11 a.m. Central time each Friday at washingtonpost.com.
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