Carolyn Hax: Husband refuses to back wife in standoff with his mother

Q: My mother-in-law just left after a humdinger of a week at our house, which started with her buying tickets without asking us (“On sale! You can just tell me not to come”); got ugly in the middle with her umpteenth crossing of boundaries about buying our 2-year-old toys (“A two-gift limit? But you didn’t mean forever, obviously”); and ended with her snarling, “I’m bigger than you in this relationship, and I’ve been around a lot longer,” as well as informing me that if I set boundaries, she’d just go to her son because he’s an equal parent.

I’m no paragon. I got so frustrated and angry over my husband’s umpteenth “I talked to her, she didn’t mean it” that I went straight to the source for a good, clean fight. But what haunts me is that he didn’t take my side. He defended her and accused me of “breaking” the family. He moderated, he refereed, but at no time did he make it clear he was on Team Wife. He’s still angry at me for losing my temper.

I’ve tried to communicate the years of her passive-aggressive digs and diva behavior — like leaving poopy onesies on the changing table because she “didn’t know where the laundry was,” leaving my house salted with her tchotchkes because “there was too much of your wife here,” having new mugs delivered here because she didn’t like mine — but he doesn’t register the woman warfare or his mother’s trampling of my home and family autonomy, only the fact that I shouted, so it’s all my fault. He insists the fact that she sees the baby only a few times a year is consequence enough.

Help! I don’t know what to do.

— Tied in Knots

A: “Woman warfare,” yes. So aptly put.

And, hello, how obviously put: Do you see yet why you’re losing?

You brought your husband to a wife fight.

This is your life, your home, your marriage, your child. Your mother-in-law? There “a few times a year.” Her only power is the power you give her.

Don’t take my word for it; I guarantee she knows this. How else to explain her behaviors, an inventory of petty undermining tactics. (Feigning incompetence to make you clean up after her!! Evil genius.) Not only did you cede your power by letting her under your skin, but you also threw in her son as a bonus when you lost your cool. Her either obtuse or brainwashed son, I’m sorry.

So, new strategy. Understand, as she does, that she “lost” years ago — and her weapons are those cartoon guns with flags that say BANG.

Hereafter: Tchotchkes and mugs get donated, without comment. Dirty onesies: no reaction. Otherwise: warm (or cool) civility.

Miscellaneous annoying visit behaviors? No reactions. Hold lines if absolutely! necessary! sans emotion. As if all but civility has been surgically removed.

Unplanned arrivals: If you can’t be a united front saying no, then host without harrumphing. Maybe you and toddler have “plans” to be somewhere else for a day. Those excessive gifts you can’t stop her from buying? Pfft, whatever. “Thanks.” (Donate.) Nobody likes a sore winner.

Because you won and she knows it. That’s her torment and your mantra.

It’s not a “victory” by any definition — because warfare is obscene here.

Who knows what weakness in her drives her to feel so threatened and act out so shamefully. It was, and is, awful, disrespectful, self-defeating.

Your reaction to her “too much of your wife” attitude is normal.

Unfortunately, it only feeds her dysfunction.

Now, starve it.

She won’t know what stops hitting her.

• Email Carolyn at tellme@washpost.com, or chat with her online at 11 a.m. Central time each Friday at washingtonpost.com.

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