Carolyn Hax: Mom is angry daughter chose to spend holiday with her aunt

Q: Since our daughter is an only child, years ago we started having my niece, “Jessica,” over to our house frequently. It started with her spending a Saturday when the girls were toddlers, then doing overnights, and later she joined us on vacations and stayed with us during the summer for a week or two.

This was all done with her parents’ approval and even gratitude, as they had three much older boys from my brother-in-law’s first marriage. They were glad to give Jessica a break — that’s what they always said. We also frequently had the whole family over for pool parties and holidays.

When Jessica stayed with us, we treated her the same as our daughter, meaning same discipline and expectations and with us covering all expenses. It worked out great since she was a nice kid who became a smart, friendly young adult. We remain close, though both girls are busy college students.

Jessica decided to spend Christmas with us rather than travel the long distance alone to her dad’s family’s house. She couldn’t travel with them since they were leaving before her last exam.

This choice angered Jessica’s parents, especially my sister. When they came back, my sister gave me an earful about how I was always trying to act like I was Jessica’s mother and take her away from them.

I was shocked, since this came out of the blue and they were always outwardly happy about the time Jessica spent with us. I told my sister she was out of line and rewriting history, which Jessica agreed with. I expected the whole thing to blow over by now, but my sister is basically not talking with me.

I texted with Jessica this week and she said her mom is being “super weird” all of a sudden. Do I give my sister more time, or do I insist on talking this out now?

— Anonymous

A: I advise against insisting of any kind in your position.

This has all the hallmarks of someone being OK with something until she isn’t.

So, your sister appreciated the arrangement when she could decide where it suited her for Jessica to spend her time.

But, oops. Now Jessica is deciding where it suits Jessica, and your sister loses out on Christmas. Ouch.

I think we’d all prefer a world where pain stays in its original container, but that’s not always how it works. Hurt parents lash out at the most convenient sibling, say, even the sibling who lovingly helped raise their daughter as one of their own.

I don’t know whether lashing out at innocents is on brand for your sister, or whether it’s an exception from an otherwise mature and fair-minded person.

I do know that assuming she’s Going Through Some Stuff, then offering her grace pending further explanation or developments, is rarely a move you’ll regret. Even if it comes back at your face like a pie.

What offering grace would involve here: 1. I repeat, don’t “insist” on anything. This drama centers on Jessica and her parents, not you. 2. Accordingly, no more back-channeling with Jessica. You two have your own relationship, of course, so text freely, but no “What gives with your mom?” or anything about her mom unless Jessica asks for your help; mind those boundaries. 3. Reaching out to your sister from an are-you-okay-I-miss-you place and not a you-owe-me-an-apology stance. Compassion first, no flinching.

This may seem weird, because she went on the attack, and you feel stung. But, grace. Because: Who do the signs say is in deeper pain? Even if you’re not sure why.

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