Lincicome: A little of this, a little of that, a little of something else

Some things you suspect, some things you guess and some things you just know.

Spring training baseball teams and housebroken dogs look great on paper.

Baseball in summer is an amplified organ urging fans to yell “Charge!” Baseball in the spring is young birds singing sweetly in the ears of old men.

The usually happy phrase “pitchers and catchers report” is meant to apply to the White Sox only as a warning.

Forget the new Bears' coaching staff, forget the revised Bears' roster, who cares about new, wide-open offensive game plans? What I want to see is a For Sale sign at Halas Hall.

It does seem that the smaller the crowd, the less a baseball player scratches.

Modern baseball statistics are much like mattress sleep numbers. You know, something someone made up for no good reason.

Yogurt tastes like it has already been eaten at least once.

One way to look at the Bulls’ Billy Donovan is as the dean of Chicago sports coaches; another way to look at Donovan is as the last lawn chair in a yard sale.

Rookies are green apples, shiny and auspicious but always sour and maybe full of worms.

The best thing about hockey is no rainouts. The worst thing about hockey is no rainouts.

True happiness is incomplete without the misery of others.

Never cross more than two county lines to watch senior golf.

All golf is senior golf.

You do not forget your first kiss, your first car or your first pet, unless it was a goldfish, which was most likely your second and third pet as well.

No one has ever been more confused than Adam on Mother’s Day.

Memorabilia collectors will never understand that real memories do not come with a receipt.

No suitable explanation has yet been given for a grown adult sitting on a bicycle. And remember when buying a bicycle a simple rule to follow is this: the higher the number of speeds, the skinnier the seat.

Hockey is one long parlor trick.

Here’s what we sports fans do. We cheer injuries. We mock mistakes. We boo calls until the call is reversed and then we cheer. No one is more fickle than a face-painted, foam-fingered fan wearing a team shirt that fit when we bought it.

Not much to see on the sea, even looking carefully.

If the shoe fits, you’ve bribed the supply sergeant.

First impressions usually turn into lasting regrets.

Cats may be smarter than dogs, but that is no reason to have one.

Horses are dumber than dogs but easier to bathe.

Nothing is more personal than being told it is nothing personal.

Winners do not need to tell anyone they are winners. There are scoreboards for that.

When offered a breath mint, take it.

Bloggers seem as human as you or I, but I would not feed one.

A bird in the hand is probably dead.

Omens are to sports fans as pillow chocolates are to dieters, always tempting and never enough.

Sports fans are guilty of over appreciating an accident of genes, guilty of imagining that muscle skills make good citizens, guilty of expecting their heroes to justify their applause. The tragedy of drugs in sports is that they ruin the illusion that athletes are special.

Watching cable news is like having the same tooth filled 10 times a day.

Conflict is more interesting than harmony. A thistle demands more concern than a daisy.

Remember that coaches come and go, heroes fade and franchises fold, but the alphabet is forever.

Ben Johnson warning: today's genius is tomorrow's talk show host.

TV networks and corporate sponsors fight over football as if it is the last clean shirt in the closet.

When you think no one cares, miss a car payment.

You can fool some of the people all the time, all the people some of the time and enough of the people to become President.

A good writer makes a long story short.

Writing sports will not give you a hernia, but it will ruin your liver if you let it.

Spring training is too long for the Cubs and too short for the White Sox.