Carolyn Hax: Mother-in-law complains about other grandma’s time with kids

Q: My mother-in-law made a comment to one of my husband’s cousins during a recent gathering that I unfortunately overheard. My mother-in-law stated that she doesn’t get to see my young children much due to the “overpowering other grandmother.”

This infuriated me. My husband and I both work full time, and my job includes nights. My mother comes to help with the kids about once per week — she has offered. My mother-in-law has never offered to help and, in fact, comes to our area frequently, about weekly, but does not ask or offer to come visit. We try to see her at least once a month, but this usually involves our traveling to her. On the rare occasion she does ask to come to our house, we have welcomed her.

This is not the only time she has made awkward or hurtful comments about people I care deeply about, including my husband. I want to tell her she spoke falsely about my mother and the situation at hand, but my husband suggests it wouldn’t help and to let it go.

I now find it hard(er) to be around her. Is it unreasonable to bring up my concerns?

— Angry and Frustrated Daughter-in-Law

A: It might be unreasonable even to have your concerns, if I’m reading the whole problem correctly.

You seem to be saying that your mom gets to help with the kids weekly because she offered, and your mother-in-law doesn’t get to help with the kids weekly because she never offered.

If that’s accurate, then a minor cultural difference could explain the whole problem: Your mother-in-law might view offering as pushy. She might have been waiting all this time to be asked — and all this time, as a corollary, thinking you asked your mom but you didn’t ask her.

That’s just a theory — one of a possible many. But if you want more of your mother-in-law’s help, or truly want her to feel as welcome in your home and family as your mom feels — or, other extreme, if you’d take some satisfaction in calling her bluff — then, by all means, invite your mother-in-law to start coming by once a week, too.

Spell it out, even: “I overheard you the other day. My mom comes once a week because she offered and we accepted. It never occurred to us you might feel left out. If you want to help, too, wonderful — we worried you would feel cornered if we asked.”

Another theory (bolstered by her “hurtful comments” tendency) is that your mother-in-law knows full well she could help weekly and chooses not to — but feels guilty and wants to appear the martyr. So she fashioned herself as the odd grandmother out as a convenient cover story. Face saved. So many sons- and daughters-in-law do favor their own mothers. I bet this narrative is a hit with her friend group.

Or, Theory No. 3 (pardon any typos, I’m writing this from under my desk), you favor your mom more than you realize — so your mother-in-law hasn’t felt as welcome or seen her son or bonded with her grandkids as she hoped.

This wouldn’t excuse her trashing anyone to a cousin, of course. But forgiving her and at least trialing a kind of radical fairness would jibe with each theory AND fit into the general wisdom of treating your in-laws as you want someday to be treated.

Before you harrumph this idea out of consideration, allow me to note that your kids, right now, including a son, are watching and learning from you.

• Email Carolyn at tellme@washpost.com, or chat with her online at 11 a.m. Central time each Friday at washingtonpost.com.

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