Turning negative feedback into positive learning
I’m a fan of awards shows and comeback stories. So, when actor Demi Moore recently won a Golden Globe for her performance in “The Substance,” it warmed my heart and brought tears to my eyes.
You see, Demi and I grew up together. Not literally, but we’re about the same age, we’re both working mothers, and we’ve both been in the workplace for more than 40 years. What I didn’t realize until I heard her poignant acceptance speech, is that we also share the experience of receiving negative feedback early in our careers that impacted our self-confidence.
While Demi is well known for movies such as “St. Elmo’s Fire,” “Ghost,” and “A Few Good Men,” she had never been recognized with an award. Three decades ago, a producer told her she was a “popcorn actress” — one who could star in blockbusters but would never be acknowledged for her skills. Like many early careerists, she took this feedback to heart and allowed it to sow seeds of doubt regarding her capabilities and potential.
About the same time Demi was grappling with her verbal gut punch, I was being told that I was too nice to be in leadership, and that pursuing professional certifications was a waste of time. Demi and I both let people who had hierarchical power over us question our abilities and impede our progress. But not for long.
Fortunately, we were strong and determined enough to seek feedback from others and trust our own instincts. In my situation, I actively sought out an array of mentors and solicited their candid input regarding my strengths and my opportunities for improvement.
I learned that being “Iowa nice” and leading with empathy, intuition, and collaboration would not short-circuit my career. To the contrary, these traits have proved instrumental in my leadership role as the CEO of a highly successful association serving the human resources needs of thousands of employers.
Ironically, being told that furthering my education and acquiring additional skills was a bad idea only served to fuel my pursuit of lifelong learning. In addition to adding valuable credentials to my resume, I’ve met hundreds of industry colleagues also pursuing professional certifications who have expanded and enriched my network.
In fact, that limiting feedback years ago turned me into an advocate and a mentor for my own team and for others who are contemplating online courses, pursuing degree programs, or studying for professional certifications.
I’ve yet to encounter a situation where learning is a bad idea. And the process always results in more than simple book smarts.
In Demi’s acceptance speech, she shared another piece of advice she’d received — this one worth repeating: “Just know, you will never be enough, but you can know the value of your worth if you just put down the measuring stick.”
At this time of year, when many of us are struggling with resolutions, hoping to establish new habits, and striving to be better versions of ourselves, dropping the yard stick is particularly hard to do. The temptation to make comparisons to others always looms large.
Give yourself grace and create your own goals and metrics. And, if someone gives you negative feedback, pause and reflect. Use it for self-improvement if it’s helpful. If not, don’t let it stop you from asking others for support in making meaningful steps to achieve your goals.
• Mary Lynn Fayoumi is president and CEO of HR Source in Downers Grove.