Carolyn Hax: Pushy mom won’t take ‘busy’ for an answer
Q: My daughter has a friend whose mother is unbearably pushy and demanding about setting up playdates. She asks about dates weeks away. If I say we are busy, she brings up several follow-up date requests so we can just get time on the calendar. Mind you, these are not toddlers anymore, but 9- and 10-year-old girls.
I always deflect and ask my daughter if she wants to do this, because she should be guiding her social activities. This latest time, my daughter made a face and said she’d rather not, so I passed along that my daughter was busy at the requested time. In response, I got a barrage of texts asking me what was wrong, did she do anything. She wanted to know so that it didn’t keep our daughters apart. I wimpily said there were no issues, but I can’t make plans weeks in advance and we were just busy.
So, in response, she texted about five other dates, asking if she could take my daughter.
She is also hyper-involved in their playdate activities, typically taking them to cafes and restaurants. She also once met my child and my child’s caregiver when she knew they were out — after I told her my daughter couldn’t play — and grabbed my daughter to take her out to eat. She didn’t seem to understand why it was a problem because the sitter said OK and she is used to making arrangements with nannies.
She clearly isn’t taking the hint, so do I need to hit her over the head with it? I do worry about mean girl reactions at school from this mother-and-daughter combo.
— Anonymous
A: You just gave an excellent distillation of what can go wrong when you say you can’t when the truth is that you won’t.
The mom books playdates weeks away and you don’t like that? OK! Disliking that is absolutely fair, and so was saying: “I won’t plan playdates weeks away. The day before is more our speed.”
The mom might have disliked that, sure. But it’s hard to defend dishonesty under any circumstances, so when even you saw the results of your “We’re busy” dodge as frustrating and ineffective, any reasoning behind it became kind of mystifying.
Now, you are absolutely right to defer to your daughter on her social calendar; even toddlers have preferences that deserve respect. Plus, your daughter is just moments from independent scheduling and movement, so this whole issue is maturing to an end.
But you are also your girl’s primary example in social situations for how to be kind without being a pushover and honest without being mean. It’s difficult stuff to navigate, even for adults.
That is not because of the threat of “mean girl reactions at school” or barrages of texts or “unbearably pushy and demanding” behaviors. It is tough to navigate because sometimes the answer is “no,” and we’re all human and we hurt, whether we’re quick to take a hint or we’re annoying and resist taking “no” for an answer until you have to (figuratively) slap us with it. It is simply hard knowing our actions affect others’ feelings.
So, in general, teach your daughter to be as inclusive socially as she’s willing to be, then, when the time comes, to own her “no” in a kind, clean way. No meanness, no cowering under threat of retribution.
Specifically, teach by example here. Tell the mom: “I’m not scheduling ahead for [daughter] anymore. She can start plans organically, then come to me for the rest.” Then coach your daughter through it. Good luck.
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