Carolyn Hax: Does friendship trump political differences?

Q: I need your help with a problem that I suspect many others are also grappling with. I have some friends who are dear to me and have been my friends for 44 and 50 years. Until 2016, we didn’t discuss politics much, but generally agreed on most things. Since 2016, we have diverged drastically, and it has caused numerous ugly arguments.

We’re still in touch; however, in-person gatherings have dwindled. We do not live in the same town. We are planning a long weekend getaway in several months that will require flying out of state.

My dilemma has several facets. Since the election, I have been so depressed and angry at their beliefs and choices that I don’t really want to see them. They’re discussing a short weekend in a few weeks, and I can’t see myself enjoying their company then, much less on a long, expensive weekend out of town.

However, these are lifelong friends, and I am struggling to just cut ties over political disagreements. On the one hand, I feel like friendship should be more important than politics. On the other, I am truly disgusted that my friends have revealed their misogynistic and racist natures.

My husband and close friends here in town have heard all my griping and are of a mind that I need to disengage from the friendship. I cannot make up my mind. How does a person resolve these feelings?

— Anonymous

A: I can make it easy for you, if you want: Misogyny and racism are not “political disagreements,” they’re crap values. If people think I’m inferior or would limit my rights because I’m female, or assume I’ll laugh at racist jokes because we’re all white — then we’re not friends. Heck, even if they vote for MY person.

So go ahead, drop these friends for their crap values, which should be more important than friendship.

Maybe your struggle is that you (need to) believe this isn’t who they really are, it’s more akin to a fever? Or maybe you feel a responsibility to counter whatever mis- or disinformation knocked them off your long-shared path? Or …?

If you believe there’s more value to staying in touch than in dropping them, then OK — that’s between you and your conscience, not between you and your town friends. You don’t have to explain yourself; there is more than one defensible path forward from here.

You also don’t have to make up your mind or resolve your feelings; it just sits better when you do. And maybe wears down your closest confidants less.

The upcoming, cheaper, shorter weekend is a lower-stakes opportunity to figure out how much friendship and future travel with these friends you can bear — again, if you think there’s any point to any of it.

If you do go this route, then I recommend a policy of remaining calm and asking, not telling: “So I’m struggling to understand — how have you made peace with _____?” Where _____ is never an opinion, always a plainly established fact, something you find impossible to reconcile with basic morality and with the people you’ve loved for a half century.

If any alignment of planets can encourage a civil reckoning, then it’s this one. Remain calm through the answer, too, even if you’re calmly packing to leave early. It’s powerful.

I hope they don’t let you down. Although everything you wrote suggests they will, even that worst case wouldn’t justify another “ugly argument” — just an awfully sad goodbye.

• Email Carolyn at tellme@washpost.com, or chat with her online at 11 a.m. Central time each Friday at washingtonpost.com.

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