So many Bears questions, and Bill Belichick isn’t the answer to a single one
As a public service for the next head coach of the Bears, here are the answers to all the important questions about one of the storied jobs in football, none of which are likely to come up during actual job interviews.
Q — Is it better to look at a college coach, an untried NFL defensive or offensive coordinator or a veteran, successful head coach with an impressive resume?
A—Bill Belichick is unavailable.
Q — Isn’t the most important consideration who can best develop quarterback Caleb Williams?
A—Bill Belichick is unavailable.
Q — Have the Bears managed to redefine the word “dysfunctional?”
A — It is on page two of every game plan.
Q — What will be the most difficult adjustment for the new Bears coach to make?
A — Sorting out the McCaskeys.
Q — Do the Bears players really want more discipline from the coach, an authoritarian, a tyrant, a bully, less nice guy and more tough nut?
A—Bill Belichick is unavailable.
Q — What does “a fresh direction” mean, anyway?
A—Down wind from Green Bay.
Q — The new Bears coach must have new ideas. Wasn't the last new idea in football to wear the pads under the shirt?
A — Not counting turning the kickoff into a chorus line, allowing the “tush push” and tolerating end zone choreography.
Q — How hard will it be to follow Matt 1 or Matt 2?
A—Don’t eat the bread crumbs.
Q — What can they say about the next coach they haven't already said about every Bears coach?
A — What a funny guy.
Q — Should the new coach be concerned about who is really in charge, Ryan Poles or Kevin Warren?
A — Check who has the best parking place.
Q — Aside from winning, of course, is there one thing that will keep the Bears fans happy?
A — Fresher pretzels.
Q — Sideline conduct is obviously very important. It can inspire confidence or cause despair. What is the most important thing for a head coach to remember on the sidelines?
A — To wear the official NFL sweater.
Q — Which is more keeping with the Bears image, to hire a flamboyant coach who will upstage his bosses and his players or one who will blend in and keep things low key and dignified?
A—The next coach should be used for a duck blind.
Q — What is the best qualification to have on a coaching resume to get the Bears job?
A — Will rent, not buy.
Q — To make sure of getting the job, is it better to know Walter Payton's lifetime rushing yardage or Brian Urlacher’s lifetime penalty yardage?
A — Better to know DJ Moore’s moods.
Q — What is the best way to handle obnoxious, abusive fans?
A — Stay out of Detroit.
Q — Is the Bears defensive talent cupboard bare?
A — No. Slow, inept and hopeless takes up a lot of room.
Q — With all those injured offensive linemen returning, do the Bears have a blocking controversy?
A — No, the Bears have quarterback protection uncertainty.
Q — What is the first question that will be asked about taunt stooge Tyrique Stevenson?
A — Who used to wear No. 29?
Q — Are the Bears under or overachievers?
A — Not lately.
Q — Doesn’t getting a new coach always mean getting new uniforms, too?
A — Not in this case since the old ones have been barely soiled.
Q — What is the one thing a new coach can do to improve the Bears' offense?
A — Humor kicker Cairo Santos.
Q — How likely will it be that the Bears will compete for star free agents?
A — The Bears have a policy; the best free agent is the first guy to say yes.
Q—How important is the NFL draft for the next coach?
A — Only as important as the football itself.
Q — Should the new coach insist on hiring his own assistants?
A — To help around the house, yes; to coach, ask.
Q — Is the secret to job security for the next Bears coach not to become more beloved than Mike Ditka?
A — Cauliflower is more beloved than Mike Ditka.
Q — What can the next head coach do to reach the goal of the Super Bowl?
A — Be Bill Belichick.