Carolyn Hax: How to stop judging people who pay for purebred dogs

Q: Any advice on how to be less judgy of people who pay money — sometimes lots of money — for purebred dogs when there are so many dogs in shelters in need of homes?

Every one of my dogs has been a rescue, and they’ve all — seriously ALL — been exceptionally nice, well-behaved, adorable dogs. I think a lot of people buy purebreds because “you never know what you’ll get from a shelter.”

But, in actuality, they just don’t know how to train dogs, so ANY dog they get is going to be poorly behaved and have “issues,” whether they pay a $50 adoption fee or $3,000. See? Judgy.

— Judgy

A: Ahhhh, this is a soapbox rant waiting to happen, isn’t it? I mean, 100% yes to adopting (Ned the Rescue just sighed theatrically as I typed that, I swear); yes to the sad fact of dogs languishing in shelters, or worse; yes to pinning most failed adoptions on people, not the dogs.

Emphasis “most”: Some dogs do belong with experienced handlers only. But same goes for purebred dogs. And certainly, some breeds are generally more rookie-proof than others. It’s not that there are bad breeds or dogs, but the whole point of breeds is to select for traits, and matching traits to circumstances is smart, so I won’t dismiss selection outright. Though no trait pairs well with ignorance.

See, you got me going on dogs. But while the advice to “shop” shelters, pleeeeease, is well worth repeating, the advice on being less judgy isn’t dog-dependent. All it takes is a simple, deliberate, repetitive practice requiring no hairy specifics.

Step 1 is wanting to be less judgy. Obvious, but it’s everything, and harder than it looks. Judging is carbs for the ego — so tasty and hard to resist, and havoc when overdone.

Once you’re serious about better habits, then you’re ready for Step 2, openness to understanding others’ choices. Think: overrides to your judging mechanism, in the form of mental lists you compose of good — or at least sympathetic — reasons people might do the things you’re tempted to judge.

Example: You witness a stranger behaving badly in public. Override: Maybe they’re dealing with a sick parent and a breakup and a crisis at work and they just cracked. (Have all YOUR moments been exemplary?)

You get the picture. So, in this case, you see someone’s $3,000 dog and, quick! — before the judgy voice takes over — you think: 1. Allergy mitigation. 2. Very specific needs, like a working dog. 3. Low confidence and felt “safe” with a breeder. 4. Breed-specific rescue. 5. Ignorance, bad information, bad experience.

Note I am not making arguments to get a purebred dog; these are reasons to shut your yap when you are tempted to think it’s your business when someone else has a purebred dog. You don’t know why, so assume the best and keep walkin’.

There’s a reason I called this a practice. “Nonjudgmentalism” is like yoga in having two levels, one that’s a set of moves and another that’s a state of mind. If you adopt this practice of listing possible reasons people do what they do, then you’re repeating a basic move that has the secondary effect of creating a more forgiving state of mind.

It’s less about moral relativism than it is about minding your business. It can even help identify — conveniently, now — when we’re faced with true acts of bad faith. That’s when the list-making process turns up no good reasons, just a lot of self-interest doing even more harm.

• Email Carolyn at tellme@washpost.com, or chat with her online at 11 a.m. Central time each Friday at washingtonpost.com.

© 2024 The Washington Post