Grief & healing: Tragedy during the holidays

Holidays are usually happy times — times of celebration. But what do we do when tragedy strikes during a season that is supposed to be festive?

This happens more often than you might think.

Within the last two weeks, there were funerals for two close friends of mine. One here and one in New Hampshire.

My own father was born on Christmas Eve, and died around New Year. My Mom always planned a big birthday party feast for Dad on Dec. 24. Then a delicious family dinner on the Dec. 25, with her pecan pie for dessert. Usually she served a standing prime rib roast. I have one in the refrigerator right now, waiting to cook for dinner on the day.

The death of a friend or dearly loved family member is extremely sad any time of year, but can weigh extra heavily during the December holiday season.

Maybe that’s because it’s a long season that actually starts mid-November and lasts through December and New Year, so there is a lot of time for sad memories to keep coming to the surface.

There are so many November-December gatherings and activities where the person is missing. Each one can bring a sad reminder that the person is missing. And every year when this season comes, the anniversary of the death can carry some sadness. We need to put up our protections.

So the point is. Think about it. You will find one. My main defense is to think about how much my dear Baheej loved holidays and always made this season a happy time, a joyful time. His name means joyful. Finding reasons for joy here is an excellent protection.

• Susan Anderson-Khleif of Sleepy Hollow has a doctorate in family sociology from Harvard, taught at Wellesley College and is a retired Motorola executive. Contact her at sakhleif@aol.com.