Carolyn Hax: Is it disloyal for friends to welcome her ex’s new girlfriend?

Q: My friend has been divorced for a year. The divorce was preceded by about three years of the husband living in the basement and several years prior to that of a bad marriage where the couple did little together socially.

Her ex-husband is a part of my husband’s relatively small group of male friends. Of that group, the wives have all been friends and often get together without the husbands.

The guys have organized a dinner party that includes the ex-husband and his new girlfriend. My friend feels like the wives are being disloyal to her by going. She has actually said she does not want us to go.

I understand these plans might be painful for her, but I think this is an unfair ask. If she had a new boyfriend, our friend group would include him, and I do not think her ex-husband would be upset.

The ex has bowed out of the dinner party so that nobody feels uncomfortable — including his new girlfriend, who is a perfectly nice person.

How do I navigate this issue, which is likely to come up again?

— Anonymous

A: You have coffee or lunch or a drink with your friend, just the two of you, your treat, and call the nicest BS ever on her declaration of disloyalty.

Because come on.

It’s wrong, and you hit on why in your letter: If, or when, your friend wants to bring her date, then you will welcome him.

That’s the whole thing right there. (How the ex would react is immaterial, though it does sound as if he’d be gracious. Hint?) Her ex is as much your husband’s friend as she is your friend, yes? So each ex is welcome, and each date is, too.

It also — you can explain this to her, too — would not be right for *you* to enforce loyalty by reaching into *your husband’s* close friend circle *for her.*

And it would be a tad mystifying, wouldn’t it, for her to keep feeling that strongly after now four years of de facto and actual separation? But such feelings are incredibly complicated, so decide whether to touch that with or without a 10-foot pole only after you’ve read the room carefully.

Here is where the “nicest ever” part comes in: This is really hard. Hard for her is what matters right now, but it’s hard for all of you.

Their splitting off from each other within one intact friend group means you all have to think how to do something that used to be routine. Like brushing your teeth with your nondominant hand. It’s going to feel weird and wrong and so tempting just to quit trying. But you gotta try.

So here is a promise you can make to her that does work: You will show your loyalty by making more time for her for as long as she needs you to, and more creative room for her within the group of wives and couples. Because neither of the exes is getting displaced or replaced by the other. OK?

I hope she nods and says OK. Because if she keeps forcing you to choose — and if there was no malice in their divorce, if they just didn’t work anymore — then you’re going to choose the one who isn’t forcing you to choose, and you’re going to be right about that.

• E-mail Carolyn at tellme@washpost.com, or chat with her online at 11 a.m. Central time each Friday at washingtonpost.com.

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