Navigating the holidays when a loved one has mental illness

The holidays are here. How are you feeling about that?

If you, like most people, are filled with excitement to gather with family and friends to celebrate with delicious food, drink and merriment, consider yourself very fortunate. Or, you may be among those who approach the holidays with dread because of increased stress, which can increase symptoms of anxiety, depression or just feeling overwhelmed.

For a family that has a loved one with a mental illness, an eating disorder, substance use disorder or neurodivergence (such as autism), that feeling of anxiety can be greatly magnified. This is especially true if you are facing your first holiday season after a child, young adult or other family member has received a diagnosis. In a recent NAMI survey, 64% of people with mental illness reported that holidays make their conditions worse.

So, how can we make the holidays happier, and less stressful, for everyone, including the individual who is dealing with a mental illness?

It can’t be business as usual. It may be time to let some things go, such as longtime family traditions, and forge a new kind of holiday that is inclusive of the family member with mental illness.

Here are some suggestions for navigating the holiday season when a loved one has a mental illness.

Plan ahead

It’s a mistake to perpetuate the stigma of mental illness, substance abuse disorder and other mental conditions by not talking about it to other family members. Don’t pretend that everything is “just fine.” Tell family members what to expect when they see a loved one who perhaps they haven’t seen in a while.

At the same time, allow your loved one to lead discussions at their own pace. They shouldn’t be pressured to talk about anything they aren’t ready to talk about.

Dial it back

Predetermine how long a get-together will be — maybe your loved one can handle one or two hours, but no more than that. And you may choose to limit the number of people in attendance.

To support your loved one, let them participate as much or as little as they want to or are able to. When they’re not participating, provide them with a quiet, comfortable spot they can retreat to.

Plan alternatives

Celebrations don’t always have to be about dozens of people making music and noise. Perhaps your loved one would be more comfortable with a quiet cup of coffee or dinner with one or two people. This allows for richer conversations, but don’t diagnose or make assumptions. You don’t have to agree with everything they say, but respect what they have to say and repeat it back to show you understand.

There are so many opportunities to celebrate between Thanksgiving and New Year’s Day. Plan one that’s low key and designed for your loved one’s comfort.

Let them skip it

It’s OK to allow an individual with a mental illness, substance abuse disorder or other disorder make the decision to not participate. Be careful to let them know that they’re not letting you down and that you understand where they’re coming from.

And if someone asks where the loved one is, share as much as you and your loved one are comfortable with. It’s a personal choice when and with whom you share all of the details. The stigma around these illnesses and disorders may be less than it used to be, but it hasn’t gone away entirely.

Practice self-care

Find an ally, a sibling, friend or family member whom you trust and with whom you can acknowledge your own feelings. Try to maintain good health habits, such as diet and exercise. Take time to practice mindfulness and express gratitude for what you have.

Most of all, don’t expect your loved one to be who they’re not. Support them with kindness and love, and respect them for who they are today.

Next year could be different. Next year could be better. But this year focus on what will bring peace to your family.

Happy Holidays.

• Bonnie Lane, M.S., is principal consultant with Family Support Services in Northbrook, specializing in supporting families whose loved ones suffer from severe mental illness or substance addiction. Daily Herald readers can contact her at (847) 651-1554 or bonnielane@thefamilysupportservices.com.