Carolyn Hax: Boyfriend is the guest at party who won’t take a hint and leave

Q: My boyfriend is that guest who will not leave. When he’s having a good time, he will refuse to acknowledge social cues that the hosts would like us to go, to the point where it is incredibly rude.

We were over at some friends’ house last Saturday and the couple cooked us a delicious meal. Afterward, we were finishing up the wine and chatting. I saw the wife yawning and said we should be going, but my boyfriend kept saying, “Oh, no, we can’t break up the party this soon.” Then the husband pointedly said they had to get up early the next day. I got it and again tried to leave, but my boyfriend didn’t budge, so the husband said it again.

I’m cringing and nudging my boyfriend, who is chatting away and ignoring me until they stood up and started packing the food away and putting the dishes in the dishwasher. I said good night and made a rush for the door with my boyfriend reluctantly following. Later, he asked me what the problem was.

This is the only socially inept thing he does, but he does it so much that people joke about it behind his back. At a party, I heard someone asking the host couple if they had a plan for getting rid of my boyfriend before midnight. He’s convinced it’s all me, I’m too introverted and always want to break up the party too soon.

I’m thinking of starting to say to him, “They want us to leave now, so we have to go,” while encouraging the hosts to be blunt with him. Is this something you think I can pull off?

— We Have to Go

A: Dunno, but it’s the next thing, isn’t it, besides rending your garments or leaving without him.

Though I would be specific. Out loud, in front of the hosts: “When they bring up their early morning, that’s our cue to leave.” Or, “When they have trouble suppressing a yawn, THEY’RE breaking up the party.” But only when you’ve cleared it with them beforehand, so they don’t feel thrown under the bus.

This will save you the trouble of encouraging anyone to be blunt. It may also spare you any more such headaches with this boyfriend ever again. If he really is as obtuse as you suggest AND certain you’re the problem, then I could see this being a relationship ender in his eyes.

But then, leaving it unaddressed has its own relationship-ending potential three times over: 1. Continually overstaying to the point of awkwardness sounds unbearable. 2. Getting dropped from guest lists is probably inevitable. 3a. and 3b. His not trusting you to have his back socially and give him sound advice is a more important thing than you make it out to be, as is his view of your introversion as a liability. Maybe just in this context, but still.

Maybe I’ve made too much of this. It’s hardly the worst “one thing” ever — and it’s certainly not your job to fix him.

Maybe separate transportation to everything “for the introvert” is the secret to happiness (yours, not your hosts’).

But you two are still just dating, and you already find a significant trait in each other really irritating. Plus, he’s demonstrating super-certainty that doesn’t even bend under the pressure of new information from multiple sources? If he doesn’t mature out of that soon, then that spells misery for you on more than this “one thing.”

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