Lame dialogue wounds spectacularly violent epic sequel ‘Gladiator II’
“Gladiator ll” — 1.5 stars
In the spectacularly violent, 200 AD Roman epic “Gladiator II,” limbs get lopped and heads get chopped, but the majority of casualties die from being talked to death.
There’s no slack to the yak in this dramatically turgid and inadvertently comical miscalculation, easily the dumbest, detail-challenged sword-and-sandal release of the century so far.
The first clue that 86-year-old British director Ridley Scott has lost his narrative mojo since winning the Best Picture Oscar for 2000’s “Gladiator” comes early on.
A Colosseum event pits a group of defenseless slaves against a horde of ravenous CGI baboons, appearing just shoddy enough for us to wonder what uncanny valley they came from.
But that’s nothing compared to the “Sharknado” sequence to follow.
Always on the lookout for innovative programming, the Colosseum management fills the place with enough water to float two ships whose crews fight to the death.
What’s more, fighters become snacks for zillions of CGI sharks if they fall into the water.
Exactly how many slaves did it take to waterproof the Colosseum and reinforce the structure to withstand the weight of all that water?
Where did they get that much water? Construct a pipeline from Lake Michigan? Does Rome operate a shark farm somewhere?
The tragedy of “Gladiator ll” lies in its complete waste of talented actors stuck with reams of David Scarpa’s lame, expository blather, and apparently directed to deliver it with precision monotony.
The chief casualty here would be the normally magnetic Irish actor Paul Mescal, who does what he can to breath some life into his lead role as Lucius, filling the sandals of the late gladiator Maximus (played by Russell Crowe 24 years ago).
He proves to be physically convincing as a fighter but lacks the charismatic fire to deliver a motivational “St. Crispin’s Day” speech to his outnumbered troops. Or deliver a reconciliation message so powerful that two warring armies become friends in three minutes.
“Gladiator ll” begins with Lucius and his wife, Arishat (Yuval Gonen), strapping on body armor to defend their North African province of Numidia against invading Roman warships commanded by General Marcus Acacius (Pedro Pascal, making up for the gravitas missing in Mescal).
An arrow to the chest kills Arishat and Lucius is taken prisoner, then forced to become a Roman slave.
Enter the aristocratic Macrinus (a zesty Denzel Washington), a former slave now operating a stable of profitable gladiators while quietly plotting to acquire great wealth and power without the burden of great responsibility.
(Roman slaves apparently have excellent dental plans, as evidenced by Macrinus’ glistening, perfect, white teeth, which he brandishes often in supercilious smiles.)
Macrinus spots great potential in the rage-filled Lucius, and promises that if he trains to become a winning gladiator, he’ll arrange for him to avenge his wife’s death and kill General Acacius, now married to Lucius’ mother Lucilla (reprised by Connie Nielsen).
Meanwhile, Joseph Quinn and Fred Hechinger liven up the movie with over-the-top performances as Geta and Caracalla, sibling co-emperors resembling effeminate vampires as their tyrannical rule dumps Rome into the dustbin of history.
When “Gladiator ll” goes to its ancillary markets, viewers will probably fast-forward over the talky parts to find the good stuff: Scott’s celebrated audience-pleasing action sequences, captured by John Mathieson’s camera compositions and Arthur Max’s stellar production designs, accompanied by Harry Gregson-Williams’ grand and bombastic score.
But just like in Scott’s “Napoleon” (also written by Scarpa), the battles give us more spectacle than thrills, more action than suspense.
Oops. I forgot to mention the killer rhinoceros, a massive beast that … uh … never mind.
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A Paramount Pictures theatrical release. Rated R for violence. 148 minutes