Carolyn Hax: Boyfriend may have a baby with his ex and not know

Q: I’ve been seeing a fella for a few months. His ex-girlfriend shares mutual Facebook friends with me, and when she came up as “People You May Know,” I took a peek. Her posts make it clear she doesn’t remember the fella fondly, broke up with him last year and blocked him across apps. What’s unclear is whether he’s the father of her baby and knows of this child’s existence. I’m surprisingly OK with his not disclosing a child whose mother does not welcome his involvement at all, and assume he’ll tell me when and if he’s ready.

But if he doesn’t know this child exists and it could be his, doesn’t this mean I have information I shouldn’t have and am withholding from him?

My inclination is to keep this to myself, but I could use a vibe check, please.

— “People You May Know”

A: That “if” does some hard work: It says you don’t know what your guy is or knows. And when you don’t know anything, you can’t be obligated to disclose anything.

Clearly, too, his ex is not fiercely guarding information that’s available to anyone she “may know” — so, again, no obligations confer.

But we aren’t done here yet. Are you really as OK as you sound with dating someone whose ex would bleach him from her brain if she could?

I realize breakups can go wrong for the best of us — and second thoughts can gather alarming speed. Plus, it’s your judgment that matters, not his ex’s. Plus, she could have been (more) at fault.

But just knowing someone is SO on her guard with him is an easy one: Be on yours, too, till you understand why.

Q: I had twins this year. I had two previous miscarriages and a difficult IVF journey, all of which we kept private. My husband and I didn’t share about my pregnancy until pretty late and then had only a virtual baby shower. But when I felt comfortable, I sent out a pregnancy announcement, plus a birth announcement and an Easter card to family and friends.

One friend has not acknowledged anything, just flat-out zero. She is child-free by choice, but I attended her wedding and many birthday parties over the years.

I heard she got a great promotion, but then, as I was going to write a congratulations card, realized I no longer think of this person as a friend. I decided against sending a card, then was feeling guilty about it.

Am I being too harsh cutting off this (former) friend for pettiness?

— New Mom

A: You’re being too creative, I’d say. You basically imagined the reason for not hearing from her, then had an emotional reaction to that imagined reason, and are now imagining how to respond to that reaction.

You may have diagnosed pettiness correctly, sure, based on your history. But you’ve talked yourself into negative versions of both of you, and that hardly seems healthy, productive or fair.

So why not ask her what’s up? You’re ready to lose the friendship anyway, so it’s low stakes, unless honesty and vulnerability are your worst cases. Maybe she intended to respond each time, was caught up in her own whirlwind, and is now too embarrassed to say, “Hi, I’m sorry I failed to acknowledge the birth of your children.” So many of us would be endlessly grateful for a get-out-of-our-awkwardness-free card. Forgiveness beats guilt, pettiness, doubt, scorekeeping, all of it.

If she’s not interested, then you’ve lost, what, 10 minutes for trying? Plus the mystery of wondering.

Finally, congratulations! Welcome to life with twins.

• Email Carolyn at tellme@washpost.com, follow her on Facebook at www.facebook.com/carolyn.hax or chat with her online at 11 a.m. Central time each Friday at www.washingtonpost.com.

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