Carolyn Hax: Sister’s problem child makes it hard to enjoy nieces’ success

Q: I have one sister, and we formed a tight bond during our dysfunctional upbringing by a narcissist mother. We also really enjoy each other’s company. I consider her my best friend.

My sister is a single mother to an adult daughter who lives with her and struggles with mental health and substance abuse issues. They’re both in therapy, but my niece is abusive and still using. She’s done awful things at family gatherings, but we invite her to all occasions. These days, she typically abstains, saying she has work or other plans. All I hear about her from my sister is bad news and horror stories, and this venting is frequent and heartbreaking. I listen and offer my thoughts and support.

As my children have left for college and begun achieving milestones, my sister texts me one-word responses or a thumbs-up emoji. She has her own relationships with my girls, so I assume if they share news, she reacts appropriately.

I realize, from my own therapy, the lack of rah-rah for my kids brings up a lot of hurt from my own youth when my family largely ignored my achievements. But aside from that, I am deeply hurt that I regularly serve as the sounding board for my sister but when I want to talk about my kids, albeit positively, I’m shut out. How do I say, with sensitivity: Your one-word replies to my kids’ success suck?

My parents have even asked me to keep somewhat quiet about my kids because it only underscores how poorly my niece is doing.

Should I just accept that my sister can’t cheer them on with me? I have a great circle of friends, but I can’t get past this continued imbalance of support, now for my offspring. It pains me that my closest friend is not there for this aspect of my life.

— Proud Parent

A: Your sister can’t right your parents’ wrongs, and I don’t see you getting past them until you accept that.

I don’t mean with your bond, of course; that you grew close amid dysfunctional parents is the best of what siblings can do.

I’m referring specifically to the “hurt” of having your accomplishments “largely ignored.” It is not your sister’s responsibility to fix that by rah-rahing your children — nor is her failure to do so worse because it is, to you, a second helping of an old pain.

You might be more upset the second time you’re cut off in traffic, but that doesn’t make the second driver more to blame.

This also isn’t to minimize the staying power of childhood trauma. You’ve made strides on behalf of two generations, it’s clear, and built good friendships, stayed tight with your sister and managed workable, if suspect, terms with your folks, who, alas, still muffle your cheers.

But that’s the thing. You say you’re this one piece away … and you want your sister? to dispense it for you. And ask how to pull her most painful lever.

You deserve the atta-parent, yes! I’m sure she wouldn’t want you feeling bad about this.

Yet, yet. With thriving kids, you don’t *need* it.

And your parents opened this void, so, again, permission to brag on your kids to your reeling sister won’t fill it — but will risk deepening hers.

If she’ll abide normal talk of normal kid ups and downs, then wonderful. Beats highlights anyway, always.

If not, then drop it. And note this isn’t your singular torment but instead half of an inherited set (the half you want, trust me). So dump your valid pain out, not in on her.

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