Carolyn Hax: One daughter is allergic; the other ‘insists’ on bringing a dog

Q: I’m a mother of two wonderful daughters, who visit for weekends from out of town. My younger daughter has started dating someone with a golden retriever she’s very attached to. Every time she visits, she insists on bringing the dog, even though her sister is allergic to dogs, especially breeds like retrievers.

The visits have become increasingly uncomfortable for my older daughter. I want to respect my younger daughter’s bond with the dog, but also feel I need to prioritize the health and comfort of my older daughter when both girls are visiting. My younger daughter doesn’t seem to understand how disruptive this is and gets defensive when I bring it up.

How do I navigate this without making either daughter feel alienated or like I’m choosing one over the other?

— Caught in the Middle

A: You stop stop stoooppppp treating your daughters’ two claims as if they’re equal. There’s nothing to debate or “bring up.”

Elder daughter gets priority dog-free space when she visits. Period. This is not favoritism, unless there’s such a thing as a bias for breathing.

You make one clear statement: “I love you both to distraction. And I consider pets to be family. However, lungs come before pets, and your sister’s are strained. I’d say the decision of management is final, but I know you know I have no choice.”

Younger daughter summons her wonderful and stops finding ways to take an allergy personally! To do otherwise is a result of her failure to behave like an adult, not your failure to navigate this guilt-conceived, functionally nonexistent middle to perfection.

So, if she keeps insisting after you’ve made your clear managerial ruling, then you insist right back. No kowtowing or confrontation, just clear and gentle fact. “Your sister’s coming, too, so no Fluffy. What time should I expect you?” If she gets defensive, pushes back or harrumph-cancels: “I’m sorry to hear that. If you change your mind, then I’d love to see you.”

Since dogs require advance planning for care, give the older sister a firm decide-by day; she puts her weekend plans on the group chat by … Tuesday. Whatever. If her “no” becomes a late “yes,” then the dog stays.

The upshot: You are the cheerful ruler of This Is How It Is. You will enforce the separation of allergy sufferer from allergen, but beyond that, you will go out of your way to show both daughters this is their home.

(Speaking of — your home may need deep de-Fluffifying cleans between visits if it hasn’t been getting them. Buildup could partly explain your daughter’s increasing discomfort.)

If the relationship with Fluffy’s person becomes more formalized, then your having established loving, clear leadership and rational priorities now will serve you well later as you manage the growing complexities of when to put the welcome mat out for whom, as opposed to becoming one yourself.

Q: My boyfriend and I have called it quits after a year. One of his couple friends goes back decades; they have watched each other’s children grow up. The wife in this couple hopes we can remain friends. I would love that, but the look of surprise and disdain on my former partner’s face said he objects. Is there a boundary here I’m missing and need to honor?

— Ex

A: There is no ownership. You are free to remain friends with his friend, barring an icky ulterior motive like wanting to stay in his orbit.

It would be a kindness, though, to keep your friendship … not hidden from your ex, but separate. Especially when the breakup is fresh.

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