Grief & healing: It’s hard to give up the usual fall rituals

Every season comes with its own charm and activities.

Fall is a big one usually culminating with a Thanksgiving feast. But there are many other preparations and fun events in September and October. These have almost become an annual fall ritual for many. Baheej and I had our own fall routine with a series of favorite events.

The fall festivals start in September and include a range of themes — from fall foliage, to pumpkin picking, to apple picking, to craft fairs, to concerts.

And there was always lots of decorating inside and outside and outside the house. But that was only the start. We used to do a lot of entertaining which was always fun. Baheej was a good cook and taught me a lot about cooking. Rather unusual years ago but today lots of men cook which is great. And we did many regional road trips to see the pretty fall countryside in northern Illinois and in Wisconsin.

And we used to drive up to Door County, Wisconsin, which was spectacular in the fall. Many years we flew to New Hampshire for Columbus Day weekend in early October to see family and friends and amazing leaves — the color was spectacular. And then we would drive up to northern Vermont, the amount of red color breathtaking.

Thus we had a super fall routine, which was an important annual ritual to us. And it was always a lot of time just to ourselves when we were both very busy with our research and careers.

So after Baheej died, I was left with all those nice memories, but they were bittersweet.

I found they hurt more than comforted. You never know how grief will affect us, and as always, this depends on the individual person and circumstances.

One thing very clear to me is that these festivities were no longer fun to me after Baheej’s death. I tried to attend some, but it didn’t work out.

This year, by accident, I discovered a local event at a nearby restaurant, Rosie O’Hare’s. My favorite band was playing in their outdoor section, where there was food, tables and other comfortable seating. It was great fun. And their broasted chicken is fabulous.

By the time I arrived there was already a crowd waiting the start of the music. It became a very happy time with lots of clapping and some dancing. People were very friendly and enjoying themselves. It was really the first enjoyable fall gathering I’ve been to in years.

So the point is: It’s worth while being open to new and unexpected experiences and opportunities. In this case, even though I was alone, I didn’t feel alone. The crowd was happy and generated a very positive attitude. I also made a new friend — Karen. So there you go!

• Susan Anderson-Khleif of Sleepy Hollow has a doctorate in family sociology from Harvard, taught at Wellesley College and is a retired Motorola executive. Contact her at sakhleif@aol.com.