Carolyn Hax: Fiance’s family complains about other ‘in-law women’

Q: I have been invited to join my fiancé’s family vacation for the first time. I am honored, even if a big trip with 10-plus people sounds a bit like a personal nightmare.

Here’s where I’m worried: One of my fiancé’s family’s favorite topics of conversation is how the in-law women have annoyed them during trips. I have spent a lot of time overhearing my fiancé’s family dig into these perceived transgressions. I’m terrified I’ll do something that will get discussed ad nauseam until I am deemed a villain!

I’m excited to get to know them better but worried the trip will reveal my faults. Is this even worth worrying about? I know I shouldn’t care if people talk about me behind my back because I know that is not the mature way to handle grievances. But! I don’t want my in-laws to hate me! Aside from not going or being silent the entire time, I’m not sure what to do.

— First-Timer

A: Hi! You seem so nice.

The best approach to problems has always been to get ahead of them, and this is no exception: Please vilify your in-laws before these snakes sink their fangs into you.

I am being facetious, of course. Mostly. And going into a tough social situation with all your feelings and dukes up is no way to get the most from your travel dollar.

But this family, as described, flat-out horrifies me. I wonder why it doesn’t horrify you, too, beyond the prospect of vacationing in this viper pit. Don’t you question the whole family whose “favorite” pastime is ripping everyone with the nerve to marry into it?

That, after all, is the in-laws’ common denominator: women silly enough to love someone in the original family.

Now tell me the common denominator of those who sport-critique the wives.

Now tell me why anyone would feel “honored to be invited” to travel with such a family.

If your fiance is a good person and good for you (do make sure both are true before marrying), then you will have to deal with his people, barring estrangement or an asteroid. But you certainly don’t have to perform for their approval, my goodness.

Just BE. And if you haven’t already, tell your fiance your thoughts on their “favorite topic.” Tell him you want your future in-laws to like you, sure, but you’re not made of steel.

I might be more curious than you are about what he has to say, since I’m the only one talking about him.

More than your in-laws’ good reviews, you want your fiancé’s support. You want to know he’s not one of the vipers himself, and will buffer you from the pit — either by living entirely outside its influence or by standing up for you if its attention turns your way.

And you want affirmation of this before you pack for the trip, not a hanging-out-to-dry on Day 4. (Though better then than after the wedding, I guess.) If you can’t comfortably raise this with him, then are you really engagement-ready? With him or vipers.

Chasing approval (or trying to outrun disapproval) centers on others’ standards. “Just BE” centers on yours, which is appropriate regardless. But to bring home my initial crack about vilifying them first: Do preemptively reject their methods — and center on “nice.” That’s my advice. It’s deceptively powerful when it’s the “nice” of basic decency vs. hustling to be liked.

If decency isn’t enough to win them over, then winning might never have been on the outsiders’ menu — which I fear with this family. Let’s hope they prove me wrong.

• Email Carolyn at tellme@washpost.com, follow her on Facebook at www.facebook.com/carolyn.hax or chat with her online at 11 a.m. Central time each Friday at www.washingtonpost.com.

© 2024, The Washington Post