Carolyn Hax: Name chosen for baby they lost given to newborn niece
Q: My partner’s sibling recently had a baby. Before the birth, his sibling asked repeatedly if they could use the name we would have used for our first pregnancy, which resulted in a late-term loss. We said no multiple times.
My partner’s family ganged up on him and told him we were wrong for caring about a name, and his sibling ultimately named their child “our” name.
I still have a lot of grief surrounding my loss, and none of this helped. How do I stop the visceral pain I feel whenever I hear my niece’s name?
- Grieving
A: It’s pretty rich for the people who relentlessly pressured a grief-stricken dad to accuse HIM of “caring about a name.”
They took caring to such an insensitive extreme that it rises to the level of cruelty. To have “asked,” they need to have taken “no” for an answer. They demanded.
I am so sorry - for their aggressive self-absorption, and for your loss.
I wish I had a satisfying answer to your question. But if anyone claims to know how to “stop” the visceral pain of a death, then they’re deluded or lying to you.
Though there are valid treatments where warranted, this pain ultimately responds only to time and the power of life.
Both are formidable, beautiful even, so trust them. Meaningful connections enhance both, so summon your precious reserves to renew and commit to the people and experiences that matter to you. And seek treatment if apt.
Then be patient with yourself. Realistic, too; don’t expect your niece’s name ever to be pain-free. I hope one day it is; your niece is an innocent who chose neither her parents nor her name. Ideally, she will inspire new and loving associations for you. But for your own relief, let go of any pressure to feel X way about the name on Y timetable. Our minds and hearts don’t work that way, and asking them to can disrupt the natural process of accepting difficult, immutable things.
Peace to you and your partner both.
Q: My fiancé broke up with me in July. He spewed out a bunch of different reasons: He wasn’t ready, I’d pushed him into it, I’d been with three other guys before him so I wasn’t wife material, and a lot of other cruel stuff. He packed a bag and left while I was still crying.
Three weeks later, he came back and admitted he’d cheated on me and asked if we could work through it. After those things he’d said, I just couldn’t, so I told him no. He got really ugly again, so I knew I did the right thing.
His parents and sister were completely heartbroken. They are on my side and keep telling me I’ll always be family to them.
The problem is I can’t heal while they’re constantly calling me, visiting so we can cry together, and opening the wound over and over again. Would it be cruel to tell his family I need some space for a long while? Or is there an alternative I’m not seeing?
- Need to Dump His Family
A: It would not be cruel, and you don’t need alternatives. Thank them for their support and courage, explain the wound reopenings, and hope they understand. If they flip out, well.
I hope you’ve also felt the warmth of your own light. “I told him no” seems like a no-brainer with cowardly hypocritical misogyny (pick your order), but anyone on the ground knows how tough the right thing was to do. Count on your own strength again.
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