Carolyn Hax: Should mom tell adult daughter to rethink girls’ weekend?

Q: My daughter is leaving her husband with two children on Friday for a girls’ weekend. The problem, from my point of view (her mother), is that this Saturday night and the week leading up to it are the biggest of the year for his job, culminating in a dinner on said Saturday night, where he will be working all evening. His father, his father’s date, his brother and his brother’s wife will be attending.

I fear for her selfishness being judged by her husband’s colleagues, boss, his family and others. Do I suggest she rethink this plan? Or keep my mouth shut? For the record, they have told me they talked it over and he is OK with her not being there. Hmmm. Please help.

— The Worrier

A: I’d love to.

Butt. The fluff. Out.

Immediately and in full.

And make an appointment with your mirror, please, to discuss calling your daughter “selfish” for making a family-life-balance decision that is certainly defensible, if very arguably less than ideal.

Since I temporarily have this conversation to myself, now I’ll take that “arguably” for a spin: He can have his important weekend just fine without her, especially with the other family support — but she can’t have her important weekend at all if she misses it to be his work-support spouse.

I might have more to add depending on the details. Do the “girls” do this often, or is the weekend an infrequent gift to themselves and one another? Did your daughter have only limited say in which weekend they chose? Time with friends is important regardless and, in the right balance, makes people better parents and spouses. It is especially valuable if her group-hug support is limited.

I get being pro-marriage. But that conviction can make itself comfortable on the wrong side of the line between unity and self-erasure, women’s especially. Please don’t coach your daughter — or, worse, judge her — from the erasure side.

Obviously, there’s a lot I don’t know here, including the specifics of the couple, the kids, the job and the weekend. This I do know: It is her marriage, not yours! And she and her husband discussed this weekend already.

That means the key question is not one of the ones I just reeled off. It’s this: What are you and I doing here, besides taking part in the national sport of harrumphing about other people’s life choices?

I hope your signature, “The Worrier,” is more a good-natured jab at yourself than an accurate take. But you’ve already clearly voiced your concerns to them — “they have told me they talked it over” — yet still want to suggest a rethink, judge “her selfishness,” fret the public fallout and run it all by me.

So I’m going with accurate, and will therefore end with a holistic answer toward the health of your relationship with your daughter, her family and pretty much everyone else you like enough to worry about. A worry that takes you this far into other people’s business is a problem of boundaries. Ignoring boundaries says you’re willing to control others to manage your stress. Not OK. Plus, it drives people away — telling you less to start, and eventually seeing you less. And leaves your stress intact.

Counseling, though, when you buy in, can be transformative in explaining and resolving boundary problems — and easing anxiety, too. Accessibility can be an obstacle, but my resource page, wapo.st/3FJjtiO, has suggestions.

It won’t make you or your daughter or your daughter’s marriage or anyone’s life perfect, of course. But a glorious exhale awaits.

• Email Carolyn at tellme@washpost.com, follow her on Facebook at www.facebook.com/carolyn.hax or chat with her online at 11 a.m. Central time each Friday at www.washingtonpost.com.

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