Grief & healing: Why do women ‘do lunch’

In the last two restaurants I’ve been in, there have been tables of women having lunch together.

Actually you can see this in any restaurant, any day. Sometimes just two or three women. Sometimes a large table, all talking and laughing, clearly enjoying themselves.

Recently, in one of these restaurants, I also noticed two men, each sitting alone, saying “Hi” to me on my way out, perhaps because I was alone as well.

I found myself wondering why the women were in a group of friends and the men were each sitting alone, by themselves, eating in silence.

Were they unmarried? Without friends? Or possibly widowers. I’m guessing either bachelors or their wives had died.

I also go to restaurants for lunch or early supper alone, but that’s not typical for women. Usually they are in groups.

Of course there are many more widows than widowers, so it’s easier to find a group.

I hadn’t thought much about all this before.

Maybe because my husband, Baheej, was very sociable and had a group of male friends who would stop for coffee or cognac after their weekly writer’s group meeting.

And when Baheej went alone to his favorite coffee shop to write, he also had friends there, so he wasn’t sitting alone.

But I think he was an exception. Probably because he wasn’t raised here. He was raised in a culture where men did sit and talk together in local sidewalk cafes.

And when he was growing up, men did most of the grocery shopping, so they made friends with all the shopkeepers. It was a small village, so they all knew each other.

Also growing up, his school was a school for boys. Until high school, education was separate, boys or girls.

So what about the U.S.? It’s really not very mysterious: Until the last 50 to 70 years, traditional male and female roles were the dominant model, the ideal, and reality. Domestic vs. outside work.

Women were primarily involved with running the household and were involved with children, schools and the PTA. If they could afford babysitters, they could be joiners — attending clubs, playing bridge, meeting with church groups and doing hobbies, community service and lots of socializing — and so they had a large circle of female friends.

Things have changed. Women joined the workforce. The workplace changed. Women now form friends there, or they meet exercise class friends, and form friendships in other social settings.

But the point is: I’m sure it’s a mix of personalities, culture and socialization. But whatever, there is a difference in the outcomes between the usual behavior and habits of men and women. And this is only one of the insights I gained from living with my dear Baheej. Maybe it’s enough to just say hello on the way out.

• Susan Anderson-Khleif of Sleepy Hollow has a doctorate in family sociology from Harvard, taught at Wellesley College and is a retired Motorola executive. Contact her at sakhleif@aol.com.