Carolyn Hax: Imbalance in visits with in-laws vs. parents starts to chafe

Q: Throughout my marriage, one of the issues that has come up is the imbalance of spending time with my in-laws vs. my parents. I won’t bury the lead: My wife doesn’t enjoy spending time with my parents for legit reasons. She still recognizes that they’re my family, though, and I take steps to ensure my wife and our daughter are comfortable during their time with my parents, which she appreciates.

That said, her parents are local, while mine are a seven-hour drive, so even under the best of circumstances, there would still be a significant gap in the number of visits with my parents vs. hers.

The gap in visits has grown larger over the past few years due to external factors — COVID and not wanting to travel with an infant. But now that things have settled down, we still only see my parents two or three times within a calendar year. I know they’re not 20 minutes away like her parents, but they’re also not on the other side of the world, either. As a result, I’ve been feeling jealous of the amount of time we spend with her parents.

I brought this up to my wife, and she said she’s fine with my not spending as much time with her parents to help reduce the jealousy.

While I’m happy she is trying to figure out a compromise, it’s not really what I want. The issue isn’t so much that I’m spending too much time with her parents, it’s that I want to spend more time with mine.

Plus, for the most part, I enjoy spending time with my in-laws, so I don’t really want to see them less frequently! It just feels like my wife’s solution is a cop-out on her part.

— Unhappy With the Imbalance

A: So what exactly are you asking her for?

If it’s to eat more dirt and visit your parents more, then say so.

I don’t see what else you could be asking; there’s just so much you can do about not seeing your parents enough. You either see them more or you don’t.

These are the implications in your letter: that there’s some kind of intermediate solution; that it’s your wife’s job to come up with it for you; and that she passes a sportsmanship or loyalty test with the right one. All strike me as disingenuous. If you’re the one who’s dissatisfied, then isn’t asking her to get creative for you a “cop-out” on your part?

So try this instead: Take all the variables into account, including distance, toddler (who I humbly submit makes a way fussier traveler than an infant), “legit” objections, parent-time envy. Then figure out a way to get more time that you think is balanced. Then ask for it.

One visit per season? Every eight weeks? You travel to your parents A times per year, and they visit you B? You see your parents alone X times, bring your child Y times, and your wife joins you for Z?

Or whatever. Point being, you come up with the proposals for realistic ways to address your envy. If your wife won’t cooperate in ways you think are reasonable, even accounting for tough history and new parenthood and other challenges, then say so explicitly. Invite her to counter with proposals of her own, and work respectfully toward a middle that way. The distance says it’ll never be even, but this can get you to “fair.”

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