Predictions for the 2024 NFL season you won’t find anywhere else

Seriously, the Bears are the team to watch. It says so right here, and right there and just about everywhere. Pardon me while I cough behind my hand and look ahead.

I predict that Sports Illustrated will eat its 10-7 prediction for the Bears, but it will not swallow. I see 6-11.

Caleb Williams will be rookie of the week, at least once.

I predict the new kickoff rule will join the closet currently crowded with bad ideas, and, yes, I’m talking to you X, formerly known as … uh, I forget.

Miami coach Mike McDaniel will be asked for change at the laundromat.

D’Andre Swift and Keenan Allen will do for the Bears what Moe and Larry did for Shemp.

The Carolina Panthers will phone in miserable.

I predict the Bears will save the pregame prayer for a third-down conversion.

I predict the Road to Super Bowl LIX will not be paved.

The good news about the Bears game in London against Jacksonville will be not having to go to Jacksonville.

I predict Howie Long will analyze Terry Bradshaw’s syntax.

The best team in football will be whichever team the Bears play next.

I predict that Bears rookie quarterback Caleb Williams will be useful for getting the adhesive tape off the top shelf.

I predict Justin Fields will have the last laugh.

The Bears’ pass rush will get so few sacks that the defensive ends will argue over which one gets to be called Paper and which one gets to be called Plastic.

I predict Jim Harbaugh will do for the Los Angeles Chargers what Matt Eberflus did for facial hair.

Taylor Swift will decide that pro football was last year’s fashion.

I predict DJ Moore will drop a pass but only after the paramedic pries it from his fingers.

Tom Brady will be allowed to buy a piece of the Raiders just as long as he keeps his mouth shut about it.

Jets quarterback Aaron Rodgers will prove that a 40-year-old arm is strong enough to throw a walnut through a wet Kleenex.

The Cleveland Browns will refer to their offensive scheme as the “cell block.”

I predict the Bears offensive line will let their stomachs out and smother a passing back judge.

Washington’s Jayden Daniels will be voted the most anonymous starting quarterback in the NFL and New England’s Jacoby Brissett will demand a recount.

I predict the NFL owners will start marketing their own T-shirts showing old, fat, bald men leading linebackers on a leash.

I predict the Kansas City Chiefs will ask Patrick Mahomes to also line the field and pass out the seat cushions.

I predict the only thing wrong with the Bears' play-action pass will be the play, the action and the pass.

The most popular prop bet will be the “Tush Push” being uglier than oatmeal.

I predict that Bears GM Ryan Poles will injure himself patting his own back.

The Denver Broncos will avoid their eighth straight losing season, but only if they don’t play another game.

Ornithologists will protest the Falcons, Seahawks, Cardinals and Eagles are offending the bird population and force them to change their names to garden vegetables, the Radishes, the Beets, the Leeks and the Rutabagas.

I predict the giveaway-takeaway ratio will be divided by the hang time to create a new fantasy football statistic called “the geek.”

The NFL geographical divisions that have Dallas in the East, Baltimore in the North and Indianapolis in the South is a result of males refusing to ask directions.

A public service announcement will be made in the third quarter of every Bears game: “It is the second half. Do you know where your linebackers are?”

I predict that Rome Odunze will fit into the Bears receiving corps like a spinster with a weedwhacker.

The Bears will modify the no-huddle offense into the no-offense huddle.

I predict coach Sean Payton will be asked if he didn’t use to be coach Sean Payton.

I predict that the Dallas Cowboys will confess to chronic interior decorating.

I predict that Bears’ shutdown corner Jaylon Johnson’s ego will require its own seat.

I predict the fat lady will forget the words.

And, lastly, I predict the Baltimore Ravens will beat the San Francisco 49ers in Super Bowl LIX.