Jim O’Donnell: Lackluster HBO turns Bears and ‘Hard Knocks’ into ‘Hard Watch’

THE KINDEST CRITICS CAN ALWAYS find a way to let a disappointing production down gently.

The kids at Corn Shuck Memorial High flailed trying to do “The Music Man?”

So praise the ventilation, the seat cushions, the fact that all exit doors were properly oiled and didn't squeak.

But HBO's current “Hard Knocks: Training Camp with the Chicago Bears” upscales to a much more demanding standard.

In some corner bars of Chicago, the long-running – and well-resourced - summer docu-series drew more anticipation than Stevie Wonder and the 2024 Democratic National Convention.

Now, three episodes into its five-week run, “Hard Knocks” and people like director Shannon Furman and showrunners can have a fair first helping of their just due.

AMONG THE POSITIVES:

· All video has been in focus;

· Caleb Williams has a nice smile;

· No single presentation has lasted longer than a merciful 55 minutes.;

· The "new" Matt Eberflus would certainly make it past a first read for a role as the friendly next-door neighbor on just about any American sitcom ever made;

· Spotlight-seeking Bears president Kevin Warren pulls kooky, tense cameos in odd scenes with all the panache of a “surprise” drop-in by Bob Hope on an old Johnny Carson “Tonight Show.”

IN OTHER WORDS, FURMAN AND COMPANY have had better Augusts.

Locally, paid observers in sports, media and beyond have been doing octuple Lindys in attempts to say something good about the ongoing limpfest, which wheezes toward the goal line with Episode 4 Tuesday night.

That's rough. Because Furman and crew apparently did something that defies all comprehension with a seasoned video vehicle that should benefit from extraordinary access, months of prep time and the critically prompting demands of deadline editing:

They showed up with no grand micro-plans. Their playbook has no dramatic drive. There is more meandering practice and preseason game video than Oliver Stone left on the cutting room floor for “Any Given Sunday.”

IN NARRATIVE CONSTRUCTION, a story arc needs tension points. As the great Gary Deeb once said, “They are like the poles in the backyard that used to hold up your grandmother's laundry lines.”

“Hard Knocks: Bears” has no poles, other than Ryan Poles. The evolving young football ops master photographs even younger than he is (38).

He also appears to have the multiple instinctive gears to guard his principal domain against the glory-hogging grabs of corporate bigfoots like Warren. His favorite uncle has undoubtedly already told him, “Ryan, the higher you go, the more you're going to have some folks try to latch on to your pants cuffs.”

IF THE “HARD KNOCKS” PASSWORD were “coherency,” their would have been 12 or so individuals spotlighted by research staff last spring as potential “laundry poles” for the current production.

From that list, four or five would be in the fluid final cuts right now. If Eberflus and Williams were two automatics, that leaves roster space for a compelling three more.

That trio quite engagingly could consist of a rookie with a back story, a fringe young veteran trying to stay in the NFL by any means necessary and a familiar oldie, who through the wonders of sophisticated hard-knockin' can be made to look colorful.

That's called story threads – the kind that should have been presented beginning in Episode 1 and continued to the final whistle (Episode 5, Tuesday, Sept. 3).

Instead, it's a forever at-random beggar's stew that “Hard Knocks” has been serving this month.

FURMAN TOLD MEDIA earlier this week that there is no profanity in “HK: Bears” “out of respect” to the McCaskey family.

Hopefully, that revelation drew a chuckle even from Virginia McCaskey, 101. She's the organization matriarch whose father – the Papa Bear himself, George Halas – was legendary for his creative remixes of cuss words.

Plus, Mrs. McCaskey was long a regular for the Wednesday night bingo games at Notre Dame High School in Niles, the alma mater of most of her sons.

There is a sneaking suspicions that she might have heard – or uttered – something salty among her tablemates when an open I-17 was all that stood between luck and the $1,000 grand prize for an evening's concluding coverall game.

BUT THE BEST STATEMENT of the HBO three-pack belonged to Travis Bagent, the effusive world arm-wrestling champ and father of second-year QB Tyson Bagent.

Late in Episode 3, sitting next to a chum in the stands at Solider Field during last weekend's 27-3 win over the Chiefs, Bagent was asked what he thought of Caleb Williams.

His snappy response was rooted in the real folk of the Neon Moon Tavern in his hometown Martinsburg, West Virginia:

“He's a great guy. But all the dudes are. They all happy. They all rich. They all look great. All the girlfriends are hot.”

Now that's texture. That's taking Bears fans some place they've never been before.

That's humanizing and spontaneous.

That's also something far too infrequent through the first three chapters of “Hard Knocks: Training Camp with the Chicago Bears.”

But HBO's ventilation and seat cushions all appear good.

Jim O'Donnell's Sports and Media column appears each week on Sunday and Thursday. Reach him at jimodonnelldh@yahoo.com. All communications may be considered for publication.