Sister-in-law’s attacks on day care hit too close to home
Q: My brother’s wife, “Christie,” and I had a great relationship until they began having children. They have a toddler and an infant. Over the nine years I’ve been a parent, my husband and I have tried various child care solutions for our two, from day care (in-home, employee-sponsored) to nursery school to grandparents. We have settled into a routine with a beloved part-time sitter who helps us with the gaps after school or camp.
Christie stays home with my nephews and is very proud of this. She likes to grandstand often and loudly about not believing in day care and how sad she feels for the children of her “friends” who get dumped with “strangers” every day. I believe she feels comfortable expressing these views to me because we don’t currently use a day care.
There’s enormous privilege at work here. Christie stays home because my brother’s huge income makes it possible. I used to really like talking to her, but her comments about child care make me feel judged and looked down on, even though she is technically talking about other people. What is a good way to get them to stop?
— Anonymous
A: Is that your objective? For the “comments” to “stop”?
Can’t say I blame you; her proselytizing sounds insufferable. But that’s a dramatic slide — from “great relationship” to “what’s the gentlest way to stuff this sock in her mouth?”
You’re writing off someone you not only saw as an ally quite recently, but also might be stuck with for the next 27 Thanksgivings.
Plus, as privileged as she is and proud as she claims to be, it’s possible the lady doth protest too much. How many empowered, blessed-feeling people spend their days in loud acts of pity for the suckers who aren’t as blessed as they are?
Right.
Being at home with very-littles is sleepless, boring, repetitive, self-erasing work. (And, yes, rewarding, of course.) The Christie you used to like might be pinned beneath it all, trying to puff herself up just so she can breathe.
So I wonder. Maybe you two can talk? Actually talk. About your own experiences you recall proudly, including your trust in caregivers who started as strangers and then became loving extensions of family. Your spouses were both strangers at one point, weren’t they?
Or about the fact that among married couples with children, both parents are employed in 67% of them (source: wapo.st/3WyzVdE). That some have no choice. (Should they not have kids? I’d welcome her thoughts.) That some have choices and choose to work, some believing their kids are better for it. Is she saying there’s zero room for good families to vary? Or for, um, single parents?
Or about victims’ parents accounting for 77% of child abusers (wapo.st/4doGVAH). Middle categories: other relatives and parents’ partners. Smallest category: unrelated adults. Am I really advising you to smack Christie with that data — ahh, fine, no. Call it a memo to anyone reading this who has bought the “dumped with ‘strangers’” narrative.
My mom did. She grieved for children “raised by people for whom it was just a job.” My late, beloved mom … who entrusted her spinal surgery and ALS to people for whom SHE was “just a job.” I knew her child care bias was wrong, but I lacked the mileage then to rebut her. I have it now: People bring gifts, dedication and skill (and burnout, alas) to ALL professions.
Point being, you can rebut Christie. Why not? Others’ stories are how we understand. Be yourself. Be her equal. Care. She needs that. Maybe some puffing up, too; bro has money, but does he give her due respect?
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