5 ways to support someone going through a life-altering loss

I am well acquainted with loss and the isolation it brings. As a therapist for over 15 years, I have helped people deal with their losses. And as a caregiver for my daughter for almost a decade, I have been dealing with my own loss.

My child was born with a rare genetic condition and lives on a feeding tube. Since she requires around-the-clock care for her medical needs and severe autism, I have been isolated on holidays, shut in for days and lived for stretches in hospitals. As a caregiver, I lost the relationship I thought I would have with my daughter, the joy of digging into meals as a family (since my child is not able to eat by mouth), and the ability to attend events and go on vacations together. Since my daughter will require care for the rest of her life, our future looks entirely different from how I expected.

My loss is an ambiguous loss, a term coined by Pauline Boss, professor emerita at the University of Minnesota. It refers to an ongoing loss with lingering, unanswered questions. An ambiguous loss can be something that many people experience, such as when a teenager leaves for college, or one that only some experience, for instance, Alzheimer’s or severe mental illness.

There are other life-altering losses with a sense of finality. In my practice, I have sat with people who have lost aging parents and those who grapple with the final chapters of their own life. I have witnessed people grieving long marriages that ended after years of trying to make it work.

After a profound loss, many people feel especially isolated, as family and friends move on from the initial jolt of concern. But we can challenge this isolation and reach out to people coping with loss. Here are five tangible ways to support the many who thought it would be one way, and then it wasn’t.

Listen — and don’t try to fix it

Many people pull away instead of accepting there is no perfect thing to do or say to erase someone’s pain. It is human to want to fix the problem, but what most of us need, especially regarding life’s unsolvable problems, is someone to metaphorically walk beside us.

Ask the friend or family member who is going through the loss if they would rather talk about it or take a break from the subject. Either way, allow them to be and feel as they are. Empathy, the ability to understand and reflect understanding, is the key ingredient.

Be specific in your offers to help

The phrase “Let me know if there is anything I can do to help” is not helpful to the person experiencing a loss.

Instead, present a few options and allow them to choose, such as, “Would you prefer if I bring dinner sometime next week or can I pick up groceries?” Or just do something, anything to show you care.

In the fall, a childhood friend dropped off an apple cake and two containers of chicken soup for no particular reason. That gesture — much less common that you’d think during a chronic medical journey — made me feel seen and cared for. She also stayed to walk with me around my neighborhood, and we talked about things other than my child’s relentless digestive challenges, such as my friend’s dating life and who was going to be at our 25-year high school reunion. This break from the world of caregiving was especially restorative.

Don’t assume the pain is over

Unless you hear otherwise, directly from the person, a life-altering loss is going to have an ongoing effect. Approach each holiday as if it is still cumbersome and acknowledge each milestone — no matter how much time has passed.

There are many ways to put this into action. Phone a friend each Father’s Day, even if it has been years since she lost her dad. Or invite your colleague for a walk or a coffee on an important anniversary of a loss.

You can also check in to see if your friend or family member is finding your support helpful, or if there is another approach they prefer. Bringing up the loss won’t generally be an unwelcome reminder. Most people remember the challenges they are facing.

Remember the power of a small act of outreach

Researcher John Gottman encourages “small things often,” also known as everyday acts of affection for couples. We can apply this principle for any close relationship.

People have shared with me that it is often the little things that feel big — such as when a friend drops off takeout after a dreaded medical procedure, or a neighbor expresses their concern about something challenging. Even stopping by for a few minutes to visit someone who is struggling could have a powerful effect. When in doubt, bring flowers.

Another way to approach this is to be radically inclusive, even if the friend or family member is not practicing their typical level of reciprocity. Initiate invitations to gather regardless, which sends a clear message of belonging.

Keep showing up

During a long-term loss, people need long-term support. It is great to meet face-to-face when possible, yet this is not necessary to make a profound effect. The good news is that showing up can take creative forms and involve music playlists, care packages, voice memos, surprise stopovers and so much more.

In therapy, one person reflected on her sense of relief when a dear friend visited her adult child, who had a disability, whenever she needed to be out of town. She felt uniquely cared for and understood by this friend, which bolstered their bond.

Routine ways to stay in touch can also be helpful, such as a regular phone call or a meeting a friend after work at the same time each week.

In our ever-busy, divided world, what people need most is consistent, enduring connection.

• Emma Nadler is a psychotherapist and the author of “The Unlikely Village of Eden: A Memoir.”