With time and reflection, even tragic memories have much to teach us

One of the obligations of a community newspaper is to keep track of historic bench marks, and bring them to the attention of readers for the very real value that looking back can bring.

Often these bench marks are positive events that have helped shape our communities and our quality of life — the anniversary of Woodfield Mall’s opening, for example or the remembrances of local civil rights leaders in historic events or some new highlight in the life of a suburban cultural or entertainment venue.

But it is not always so. Some of the dates we mark recall the saddest moments in local history — the Brown’s Chicken murders, the schoolbus-train collision that killed seven students in Fox River Grove, mass killings in Aurora and at Northern Illinois University. And this week, the anniversary of a domestic argument that resulted in the stabbing deaths of three people at a Hoffman Estates family home.

Remembrances of the former type, the impersonal iconic structures and events of suburban life are easily explained, and align naturally with certain five- or 10-year anniversaries. For the latter, the qualifications can be trickier and the timing even more so. Is a particular sensational event still part of the communal memory 50 years later? Is five years between stories on a given case too frequent?

There is no perfect answer to such questions. The defining purpose is what must be taken into account. For, the truth is that whether it is a sensational tragedy or a life-changing new amenity, the remembering is less about the past than it is about the present, or even the future.

The Engelhardt killings in Hoffman Estates 15 years ago carry special scars. They linger in the consciousness because they seemed so out of character. They were initiated by jealousy and emotions erupting out of control. They were so extreme as to be hard to imagine but so familiar as to be relatable.

Such reflections are important on their own. But a story like the Engelhardt case can have unique lessons. From the beginning, the strength and resilience of the surviving family members was arresting to see. Two years after the tragedy, Jeff Engelhardt, who had been away at college the night of the killings, wrote eloquently in the Daily Herald of the importance of living out his father’s example and finding a way to forgive the attacker who killed his dad, sister and grandmother and seriously injured his mom.

Catching up with him for her story Tuesday, writer Barbara Vitello was able to help us track the course of his journey, and to show how his approach to the crime has helped him cope with it. And his willingness to open up to her about his own wife and young children now helps us see that positive, rewarding lives can be built despite times of suffering, even such rare and deep suffering as that from the murder of one’s loved ones.

“Reflecting on days like this is difficult,” Engelhardt said. “This is the chance I get to keep people who were so special, to keep their memories alive. That always means a lot.”

Such memories, difficult as they are, can also mean a lot to the rest of us. Few of us will ever experience the horrific drama that upended lives in the Engelhardt family. But all of us will know times of deep, incomprehensible sorrow. We owe a debt of gratitude when those who have experienced trials beyond our own sense of reality not only help us put our personal troubles in perspective but, more important, also remind us they can be endured and why the endurance is important.

“With time, you remember the things that made those people you love so great,” Jeff Engelhardt told Vitello. “And you do what you can to make them proud.”

With time, we can reflect on the meaningful events and structures that shape community life and through that reflection envision new developments. With time, we can also gain perspective on great tragedies and in that process, have a stronger understanding of our own lives and humanity.

• Jim Slusher, jslusher@dailyherald.com, is managing editor for opinion at the Daily Herald. Follow him on Facebook at www.facebook.com/jim.slusher1 and on Twitter at @JimSlusher.