Stressed or sad? Four ways to cope with difficult emotions

Daily life can evoke painful emotions. News of war can bring out sadness; climate change disasters can trigger fear. A squabble with a partner or a misunderstanding at work can unleash anger.

Knowing how to handle emotions can improve our mental health. But many of us are not taught these skills; instead, we are told to brush painful emotions under the rug or we learn maladaptive ways of coping.

As psychotherapists, we’ve counseled many patients who were taught to numb their sadness with food or swat away guilt by ignoring their needs. Others view their emotions as a puzzle that needs solving.

Behaviors like these are what we call “defenses” — emotional armor that protects us from feeling the unbearable. They may work temporarily, but defending against our pain isn’t the same as processing it.

Here are four ways to tend to emotions, which can improve our well-being and help us thrive.

Notice how emotions show up in the body

Identifying, accepting and working with our emotions directly in the body helps us decode what they’re trying to tell us, which helps us take meaningful actions. For example, anger can prompt us to stand up for ourselves, while disgust can help us avert danger.

Like thirst and hunger, emotions are physical sensations and impulses for action that first show up in the body. Anxiety makes our shoulders tense and pulse race, while anger makes us feel hot. Sadness can literally make our hearts ache.

Being able to pair these sensations with the corresponding emotion is vital for personal growth and healing.

However, this isn’t always easy. Like learning mindfulness, listening to our bodies is an exercise that takes practice.

To get started, tune in to your breathing. Research shows that deep breathing and paced breathing have a positive effect on the body’s autonomic nervous system - the fight-flight-freeze response - which can help us manage stress and feel calmer.

Pay attention to what you notice. When you breathe, does your stomach pop out like a little Buddha, or does the breath get caught in your chest? You can also ask yourself: “Is my breathing fast, shallow or deep?”

We should strive for deep breathing. If you notice your breathing is shallow, try practicing techniques such as box breathing - breathe in for four counts, hold your breath for four counts, exhale for four counts and hold your exhale for four counts - to deepen it.

Name your emotions

Putting feelings into words, also known as “affect labeling,” can reduce symptoms of anxiety and cultivate joy. One study also suggests that naming your emotions can reduce symptoms of chronic health concerns such as irritable bowel syndrome.

There are two types of emotions: core and inhibitory.

Core emotions include sadness, anger, excitement, disgust, joy and sexual excitement. They prime us to take adaptive action that helps us survive. For example, excitement can motivate us to work hard, while sadness helps us move through losses.

When it’s not safe to express core emotions - when they conflict with what pleases our family, friends or society - inhibitory emotions such as guilt, shame or anxiety take their place. For example, if your parents or caregivers became furious or ghosted you whenever you expressed anger or sadness, you may suppress these emotions by becoming anxious instead.

The good news is that you can take active steps to tend to your emotional health. Once you notice you’re having a feeling, see if you can put a word on it.

Start by completing this simple sentence: “I feel …,” and see how it feels.

Greet your emotions with curiosity

Once you name your emotions, greet them with curiosity. Ask yourself: “What is going on that’s making me feel this way?” You may be sad because your partner made a snappy remark or feel ashamed because your child threw a tantrum at the grocery store.

Research shows that curiosity can be good for our mental health. It invites perspective-taking - activating cortical and subcortical areas of the brain that help regulate emotions. To practice, ask yourself: “Have I ever had this feeling before?” and “Is there anything I can do to soothe this feeling now?” Questions like these invite us to see the situation (and ourselves) in a different light, which can ease distress and reduce anxiety.

Curiosity has also been shown to cultivate positive emotions, increase motivation and facilitate personal growth.

Replace self-criticism with compassion

It may seem strange to show yourself compassion when you are feeling sad, angry, afraid or anxious. But self-compassion is a transformational balm. Research shows that it can enhance feelings of self-worth and cultivate resilience.

It may be hard to practice self-compassion, especially if self-critical thoughts get in the way, or if your parents struggled to respond to you with empathy. Experiences like these can make us feel like we don’t deserve compassion. However, all humans struggle sometimes, and we all deserve kindness.

To practice self-compassion, imagine your emotional pain coming from a young child or someone you care for. Then respond to your emotions with love and empathy by telling yourself, “I know you’re hurting, and I am so sorry.”

No one can escape stress or pain. It’s a byproduct of our humanity. But just as you learned to read and do math, you can learn new ways to move through your emotions, emerging stronger and wiser each time.

Juli Fraga, PsyD, is a psychologist with a private practice in San Francisco. Hilary Jacobs Hendel, LCSW, is a certified psychoanalyst, AEDP psychotherapist and the author of “It’s Not Always Depression.”