Pearls of wisdom, or are they gems?

On sale soon — Bernie’s Little Book of Wisdom.

Some things you suspect, some things you guess and some things you just know.

Writing sports will not give you a hernia, but it can ruin your liver.

Read more, watch less.

What goes around does not always come around, but be ready to duck, just in case.

A good writer makes a long story short.

First impressions usually turn into lasting regrets.

If at first you don’t succeed, take a number.

Free advice should always be judged by its price.

The third world should have a larger number.

There is no known cure for gardening.

Ocean cruise food is like a bad high school cafeteria. And such small portions.

Never cross more than two county lines to watch senior golf.

All golf is senior golf.

Tennis is a made bed.

Unofficially, the land speed record is still between the burritos and the men's room.

Aiming low does not guarantee success but failure hurts less.

No suitable explanation has yet been given for a grown adult sitting on a bicycle.

Hockey is one long parlor trick. Canada is where they give the hockey scores at the beginning of the sports report instead of at the end.

Nature does not give a damn. Memory lane is always under repair. Take your own fork to a Japanese steak house.

Steel drums are to music as tap shoes are to a camel.

If the shoe fits, you’ve bribed the supply sergeant.

Sophistication is knowing which knife to eat the peas with. People will believe anything that is whispered.

Morals are not portable.

Cats may be smarter than dogs, but that is no reason to have one.

Horses are dumber than dogs but easier to bathe.

The best way to get a return call is to get into the shower.

Few joys are greater than passing a Mercedes with its hood up.

Nothing is more personal than being told it is nothing personal.

Never sit in any poker game with more than one drunk or more than one Texan.

Few things are as ominous as a toddler with a Sharpie.

Football frets about finding another Tom Brady, and basketball the same for another Michael Jordan, while soccer looks to the suburbs, convinced that everything it needs is napping in the car seat of a Jeep Grand Cherokee.

Bloggers seem as human as you or I, but I would not feed one.

There has never been a retirement party for a placekicker.

Political election coverage spends hours and hours predicting what the news will be instead of just reporting the news when it happens. This is called pomposity, a much older activity than Terry Bradshaw.

Pack your shoes; rent your golf clubs.

Your tattoo is someone else’s baby picture.

Take the first parking place you see.

The media chews, swallows and sometimes spits up. The newsmakers make no news but use pretty wrapping. We mistake choreography for democracy.

Don't ask a Canadian for the name of his tailor.

A man needs to be sure of three things in this life — his wife is faithful, his minister is pious and his shortstop is clean.

The betrayal by heroes never stops being painful, even to cynics, yet our expectations are neither responsible for nor the reason for their treachery. The sin is always their fault. Ours is always imagining they were more than they are.

Remember that you have to be some place and almost any place is better than Indianapolis.

Watching cable news is like having the same tooth filled 10 times a day.

All yogurt tastes as if it has already been eaten at least once.

The wise man knows half of what he pretends to know.

The sports page is the proxy for harder reality, where the wars are only mock and success and failure matter only as long as it takes to turn off the scoreboard.

Conflict is more interesting than harmony. A thistle demands more concern than a daisy.

Boo the singer, not the anthem. Hate the designated hitter. Love overtime because your lede will always be there.

Every person, regardless of gender or background, has the ability to attain enlightenment by studying the Dharma, or just by using Google.

Today's genius is very probably tomorrow's bullpen coach.

A bird in the hand is probably dead.

A press credential without a parking pass is like a Frenchman without a deodorant.

You can fool some of the people all the time, all the people some of the time and enough of the people to become President.

Politics will ruin a picnic.

The greatest piece of wisdom of all — when offered a breath mint, take it.