Wedding guests melt down over rules for which kids get invited

Q: My youngest cousin got engaged. My daughters and nieces (ages 14 to 26) were excited for another family wedding until we learned from his mother no older children are invited. Not even teenagers.

This means pretty much every “kid” on my cousin’s side is excluded, while the bride’s family has all younger children. She is afraid they won’t make the trip if their kids aren’t invited. So it’s the reverse of the “no children” wedding where young children aren’t invited.

I’ve never heard of this. I told my mother that while I understand the bride wanting her family at her wedding, the point they are missing is that “family” is on both sides. And also that these older children will not only know they weren’t invited to the wedding, but also will remember, while the younger children won’t ever know or care.

My aunt is distraught over this whole thing. They are paying for half the wedding, but now most of our side of the family won’t be able to attend or is choosing not to because their kids are being purposely snubbed.

I don’t even want to attend, and neither does my brother, but we will probably go without our spouses mainly for my aunt’s sake.

Have you ever heard of this, and what is your advice on how to handle it? Should we say something to our cousin?

— C.

A: I thought I had heard every inclusion or exclusion tactic for a wedding guest list, but this is a new one for me. I tip my hat to the happy couple.

I’m not as unsympathetic to their decision as you are, though. I don’t agree with their logic, because they’re excluding family who are excited to be there in favor of family who’d be fine with a nap and a sitter, but having to limit guest lists is simply reality for most couples. Whether it’s due to cost, space or hassle issues — or all three — they’re focusing on the adults of your generation and above, from both sides of the family. That’s a fair target, like it or not. Plus setting limits is their prerogative, and I respect that.

I urge you to respect it, too. But not by showing up grudgingly and stag just to make your aunt happy. Call it a grow-up-and-show-up: Accept that weddings are stressful and expensive; accept that couples face impossible choices; accept that some of the choices they make under pressure may not be the greatest; accept that some sub-great choices don’t make them bad people worth alienating with a huffy reciprocal snub.

Think about it for a second. You’ve taken offense on the grounds that “family” is paramount, but counter-snubbing your cousin and his bride is not exactly the way to claim the high ground on family warm fuzzies.

So my advice for handling this is for you to attend graciously and with your plus-one. And urge your kids to release any hard feelings. And make one calm and kind attempt to talk boycotters from your side of the family off the ledge. Advocate for the couple as follows:

• Remind them that event planning is stressful and couples aren’t perfect. For all you know, the bride did this in the first place to appease boycotters on her side.

• Remind them that couples don’t always respond to pressures the way bystanders want them to.

• Remind the boycotters they have choices, too. They can get offended and blow it all up, or they can assume the exclusions aren’t personal and have some grace and show up.

Keep family unity alive to fight another day. Or something like that.

Email Carolyn at tellme@washpost.com, follow her on Facebook at www.facebook.com/carolyn.hax or chat with her online at 11 a.m. Central time each Friday at www.washingtonpost.com.

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