Grief & healing: The first days and weeks after a loss

My dear brother-in-law died Jan. 31, just a month ago. He was an especially fine person and scholar. And it’s so painful to know my dear friend and sister-in-law is facing this sadness.

The initial shock felt by the death of beloved or other dearly loved one is such a heavy blow.

It brings on a new and strange sensation, even if one is functioning and doing what needs to be done. It’s a sort of “nonreality” feeling, which I know from personal experience. But of course, each tragedy is unique and carries its own form of grief.

In a sense, most death is unexpected and hits suddenly. This is true even if there were serious health issues giving you weeks, months, or even years of knowing what was in store. We realize it will come — but eventually, not now.

For most of us, there is an expectation of having more time, and there is always hope. I remember my own reaction as a series of half-dazed automatic movements, governed by a sort of bewildered disbelief even though I did understand what had happened.

My husband, Baheej, had been recovering in the hospital after an unexpected stroke. I had gone home for the first time in seven weeks because our youngest son was arriving from California to see his father. He arrived, and we planned to return to early next morning.

But at 4 a.m. a woman called me and said, “He stopped breathing.” An odd way to put it, but I understood. Our daughter and grandson were already here.

We all jumped in the car and went to Baheej. Such a memory can keep playing over and over in one’s mind.

In the first days and week, I was quite disoriented. I know I had a dazed feeling, almost on autopilot. Lots of immediate tasks to be done. Hopefully you have some family and friends around to help.

The first week may be pretty much a blur. Many describe it as being numb, or in a fog. I was all of that. There was lots of activity: Making arrangements. People may be coming by, trying to help. Probably bringing food to make things easier for you and your family.

After a week, I was still rather disconnected. Over the years since, I’ve learned from others that this is pretty much a regular normal reaction — the first part of intense grief.

Eventually you are alone, or more alone. People need to go home, back to work and their regular life. You may even not feel like going out, or doing much of anything. But you start to think — what’s next.

The point is: The first week or two are especially hard and just the start of the journey to find a path, a way to cope with grief. It’s a long journey. A hard journey. It takes a while even to start.

• Susan Anderson-Khleif of Sleepy Hollow has a doctorate in family sociology from Harvard, taught at Wellesley College and is a retired Motorola executive. Contact her at sakhleif@aol.com.