Anticipation of certain dates worse than the day itself

Many of us have certain days of the year that are stressful because they cause us to relive the death of a beloved or other dear one. Not everyone marks and worries about such days, but I'm one who does.

Just last month, mid-August, I passed my most troublesome week: the anniversary date of the death of my dear Baheej, and all the related events during the funeral week.

I was talking with my dear friend Karen about this, and she said something important that has stuck in my mind — that she has found the anticipation is worse than the actual day when it gets here. Anticipation.

You know, I think she's right. I thought about it a lot and, yes, I know she's right. I got through it OK, sad but OK. But the run up to it was worse. I don't think this was so in the first couple years after Baheej's death. It was such a blow. I could hardly focus. But it certainly is now, in my case 11 years later. And it may have been so the last several years.

Well, how can I explain this (to myself)?

Surely it is because over these 11 years I have learned many ways of coping with and managing my sadness. A key one is to have a plan. Something to do or place to go on the day, even if it's just a plan to cook a nice meal and lie low at home. It works; it helps a lot. But I usually go out by myself to a comfortable local restaurant that was one of Baheej's favorites, and think of happy times we had there.

And I use this “have a plan” strategy on big holidays as well. Christmas is the hardest. Thanksgiving tough. All these years later, I still miss him intensely on holidays. We always had such fun. It's really hard to be without all that love and affection and his joyfulness. I must rely on his spirit and my memories.

So the point is: We sometimes need to trick ourselves into feeling better. I personally think that's OK. An innocent diversion.

And, as my friend said, the anticipation is probably worse, more intense than the actual day.

Going forward, I must learn to cope with the anticipation. And now all the fall and winter holidays are coming up. It's still hard without my beloved. I'd better get working on coping with anticipation.

• Susan Anderson-Khleif of Sleepy Hollow has a doctorate in family sociology from Harvard, taught at Wellesley College and is a retired Motorola executive. Contact her at sakhleif@comcast.net or see her blog longtermgrief.tumblr.com. See previous columns at www.dailyherald.com/topics/Anderson-Kleif-Susan.