Create a soothing retreat you can go when overwhelmed

I think most of us need a place at home where we can feel calmer and basically comfortable. This is especially important when bereaved. Sometimes there is so much hurt and stress, we just need a welcoming retreat, one were we can relax a little.

So it's important to create a soothing and secure living environment, and there are ways of doing this. I have done it. It grew organically, just by keeping and hanging up objects that make me happy — items that generate good feelings and memories.

We actually did this long ago, when Baheej was still alive and I've continued on. Perhaps I have a few more items around than really needed, but everything has its place.

So create a pleasant living space by:

• Use soothing colors (soothing to you).

• Make sure there are comfortable places to sit or stretch out. Put out favorite photos of family and friends — or have other items around you that bring good memories.

• If possible, position furniture for pleasant views of nature outdoors.

• Have one or two sweet pets keeping you company, especially if living alone.

• Play music you enjoy. Have interesting books at hand, and TV for movies and interesting documentaries.

I think this all contributes to comfort and peace, and especially when bereaved and/or living alone.

Now about family photos. It's important we put out photos that make us happy. Not photos of people who bring up stressful memories. Those photos can be filed away somewhere, but not in regular view. Self-protection is a big part of tranquility.

It's often good to put some photos of the loved one who died in places you can see easily. Years ago, when my father died, a grief counselor gave me this advice about his photos. I did it, and it helped. Sometimes just simple actions help.

If you enjoy nature, there are lots of ways to bring nature “inside” your living space. Baheej had a great love of nature, so that was a major consideration in which house we bought, how we arranged furniture and where we hung mirrors. We bought a house with space outside and nothing blocking the view out the windows. We positioned two comfy chairs with a direct view through a big window looking outside at favorite trees. We hung mirrors to reflect the outside throughout the house. We made sure no furniture or lamps blocked windows.

The point is: A soothing living space helps a lot, whether an apartment, a condo, a house or simply your own or favorite room. Concentrate on the place you spend most time.

We used to travel constantly. I don't anymore, but am surrounded by favorite objects, books and photos, so it's fun just to be home and travel in my mind, surrounded by all the nice memories within eyesight.

• Susan Anderson-Khleif of Sleepy Hollow has a doctorate in family sociology from Harvard, taught at Wellesley College and is a retired Motorola executive. Contact her at sakhleif@comcast.net or see her blog longtermgrief.tumblr.com. See previous columns at www.dailyherald.com/topics/Anderson-Kleif-Susan.